Washington D.C.—
According to reports on Capitol Hill, Republican senators are increasingly eager to get the election over with so they can finally say what they really think about President Donald Trump after he loses to Joe Biden.
“November 4th can’t come soon enough!” said Senator Ben Sasse. “I know Trump is a sociopathic idiot lunatic like everyone else, but obviously I can’t say that out loud in public! My voters would all turn against me! So I stifle those thoughts of reality deep down in the bottom of my soul along with all the other thoughts of reality I keep hidden from my voters, like how climate change is real, how the US obviously needs socialized healthcare, how gun violence is out of control, how gays getting married doesn’t affect me in any way, and how tax cuts have never once led to budget surpluses!”
“Come November 4th, I’m going to use words much more colorful and profane to describe Donald Trump than ‘troubled’ and ‘concerned!'” vowed Senator Susan Collins.
“Donald Trump might be just a little bit wrong about…” began Senator Chuck Grassley. “Donald Trump is slightly misguided to think that… He should reconsider his position on… Gah! I just can’t say anything bad about him until he loses to Joe Biden! But I could end those sentences so many different ways. So many ways! Check my Twitter the morning of November 4th because I’m going to be tweeting for hours all the things I really think about Trump!”
“Once Trump loses reelection, I’ll finally stand up for my wife and dad!” vowed Senator Ted Cruz.
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