Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump today complimented the physical appearance of his daughter Ivanka in a conversation with Sean Hannity, and it got a little weird. The following is an excerpt of their conversation:
HANNITY: How would you rate your kids’ work ethics in both your administration and the Trump Organization?”
TRUMP: Oh, tremendous. Truly some of the best kids ever. Don Jr. is doing great work, and balancing the business with a lot of campaigning and television appearances defending me, and Eric is helping him. Since Eric’s children’s cancer charity got shut down by the State of New York so unfairly for just a little bit of alleged fraud, he’s been helping out more at Trump Tower. And Jared is great, too. He just unveiled his new Middle East peace plan, and everyone is being so unfair to him by lying about it. The fake news says it makes the situation worse, and that even the Jews didn’t like the plan, which is totally unfair because I moved the embassy to Jerusalem. They’re not doing me a favor after the giant favor I did for them. Can you imagine them treating Jesus this way? But Jared’s doing a lot of tremendous things.”
HANNITY: And what about Ivanka? How would you rate her?
TRUMP: Total ten. Ten for her boobs, ten for her legs…
HANNITY: Oh, I meant her work performance.
TRUMP: Oh, ten for that as well. She’s just so smart. Incredible beauty, incredible brain. Trump brain. Trumps have some of the best brains of all time. I went to Wharton, graduated top of my class.
HANNITY: Really, the top?
TRUMP: Yep. I was the best of the best. They wanted to give me a business degree after my first year, but I said “No thanks, I’ll stay all four years.” All my professors couldn’t believe the papers I turned in. They said my papers were the best they ever read. They wanted me to teach the PhD classes in my free time, but I turned that down as well. You know me, I’m very modest. And if you see my transcript you’ll see straight A’s for all four years.
HANNITY: Wow! Will you release your transcript to let the libtards see them?
TRUMP: I’d love to, but it’s being audited. You know how it goes…
HANNITY: Couldn’t the university just release your transcript?
TRUMP: If they do I will sue them for $5 billion… Cause of the audit. No one takes IRS integrity more seriously than me, you know?
HANNITY: Of course, of course. And how are your other kids doing?
TRUMP: Stefanie is doing amazing, amazing things.
HANNITY: Do you mean Tiffany?
TRUMP: That’s what I said, Tiffany. Actually, Stefanie is her middle name, which I sometimes call her, so I didn’t get it wrong. I never misremember things. One of the great memories in history.
HANNITY: Her name is Tiffany Stefanie Trump?
TRUMP: Tremendous name. One of the great names of all time.
HANNITY: How is Melania’s “Be Best” going?
TRUMP: Her chest is actually more in the double-D category, not B. But, honestly, Melania’s chest is starting to sag a little bit. She’s getting up there in years. Usually when my wives pass forty-five, it’s time for me to upgrade, but this time is a little different. You know how it goes.
HANNITY: I meant Melania’s “Be Best” project… the anti-bullying thing?
TRUMP: Ohhhhh! “Be Best!” It’s going great. Way better than anything Michelle Obama ever did. I know I’ve learned so much about bullying. It’s made me see things in a new light. Like how much the fake news bullies me. I’m the nicest president, probably of all time, and they’re so mean to me.
HANNITY: They’ll never get it, just like they’ll never understand real America. The fake news at this point is addicted to lying about you. So what, you’ve got some illegal immigrants concentrated indefinitely in camps with substandard living conditions, but that’s the furthest thing from a concentration camp! It’s not even close! And you go around calling the media “sub-human vermin,” Mexicans “rapists,” Blacks “thugs,” and liberals “election cheaters” and “traitors who should be shot,” but you’re the furthest thing from divisive. If anything, you’re uniting the country with hatred for the slight majority of the country that voted against you. Liberals are just losers who can’t accept the fact that their popular vote victories aren’t enough to win them majority representative power in our government. Babies, right?
TRUMP: And they’re even mean to Ivanka. How could you be mean to her? Look at her. Such a hot piece of meat. You just want to put ketchup on her. Her body is like a mouth-watering steak cooked well done.
HANNITY: Woah, haha, no filter, everybody! This President just says what he thinks. And that’s why America loves you. You’re a blue collar billionaire!
TRUMP: Sometimes I think about what I’d look like as a girl. Ivanka is tremendous, but she has only half my genes. I have 100% of my genes. Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I were a girl? I’d love to see myself at 13 as a girl. Yowza! I’d be a piece of ass I could do locker room talk about all day! I’d have to keep myself away from Epstein, if you know what I mean! Or, from what they say, you know? I barely ever knew him. If he was here in this room with you and me, I wouldn’t be able to pick him out. Maybe he got coffee for me one time or something, who knows? Everyone is talking about how they never saw me at his parties. But yeah, I’d have one of the great bodies if I were a chick. And tremendous tits. I’ll tell you what, though, I wouldn’t have any kids if I were a babe. I’d keep my body untainted by that gross stuff. As soon as all my wives had kids, their bodies went straight down the toilet. You just can’t respect a woman after she’s carried a baby around for nine months and become a mother. People call it a beautiful miracle, but it makes me want to throw up. And it’s a total boner killer. It’s like pregnant women just give up on having a thin waist around month five or so.
HANNITY: Telling it like it is! No lame political-correctness from you!
TRUMP: The only good thing about a pregnant wife is that she stops having a period for nine months, and stops bleeding all over the place from her wherever. But the birth thing is just a total mess. I can’t watch it. I always let the mothers raise the kids. I call the kids on their birthdays and stuff, but it’s like, “See me when you’re 18.” But it works. My kids turned out so great. Who knew parenting was so easy? My hag ex-wives always said it was hard, but they didn’t have a Trump brain so I can see why it was difficult for them.
HANNITY: Incredible. Thank you so much for granting me this interview. Can I massage your feet for you now? Would you like to spit in my mouth and slap me around? Whatever you want, Mr. President, it would be my honor to be your rag doll for the rest of the hour!
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