Washington D.C.—
Representative Jim Jordan recently revealed at a Conservative SuperPAC event that he felt honored President Donald Trump gave him the privilege of massaging Trump’s feet every night after getting into bed.
“How many people get to say that they are the President of the United States’ personal foot masseuse?” asked Jordan following a question about his White House massages. “At the end of the day President Trump is exhausted from winning so much for America, and he needs to unwind, so this is just me playing a small role to help America. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at the routine. At 9 pm sharp, I dim the lights, light a bunch of candles with soothing fruit scents, lay out petals from a dozen roses on the bed, load up my hands with lotion, and I really get to work on the President’s feet. He’s got a few growths on his feet that I tell him he should probably get checked out, and a pretty gnarly case of athlete’s foot that he says has been there since the early 90s, but it’s truly my honor to do this every night. I look forward to it all day, and I’ve turned it into a very relaxing two-hour ritual for him. The President’s feet are super dry and cracked, so I can’t go too hard without hurting him, but I take it very slow at first until the lotion absorbs into his skin cracks and lubricates them a bit. Then I start kneading his feet. I work from the ankles down, and then I pull each toe to make the sockets pop. The President loves that part, and all along I tell him happy stories about how much my constituents love him. Most of my constituents in Ohio haven’t really benefited much from the economy because most of the tax cuts have gone to already rich people, and most of my constituents don’t have any stocks because the minimum wage hasn’t increased in 10 years, but I make up stories about how they’re all millionaires to make him feel good. He doesn’t like it when I tell him how many Ohioans desperately need wage growth and healthcare, so I keep that part secret. I don’t want him to have to worry himself when his feet are in my hands. And, besides, if I don’t keep him happy he’ll give away my massaging job to Matt Gaetz or Lindsey Graham!”
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