Jim Jordan Claims Donald Trump Ran A Mile In Under 6 Minutes Last Weekend

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Washington D.C.—

Representative Jim Jordan claimed today that President Donald Trump is a big fan of jogging.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but President Trump rarely uses a golf cart when he goes golfing,” Jordan said in response to a question from a constituent asking him to reveal something voters don’t know about Trump. “He loves to jog from hole to hole, and I thought I was in good shape, but I can barely keep up! People think that he’s not in good shape because of his diet of almost exclusively fast food, and the fact that he starts to breathe heavily anytime he talks for more than twenty seconds, but I can assure you that the President has more endurance than anyone I’ve ever seen. He really loves running. In fact, I raced him last weekend in a mile, and he beat me! I couldn’t believe it. By the end of the four laps of the track he was about to lap me! His final time was under six minutes. The guy who timed us said Trump’s time was 30 seconds faster than Barack Obama’s personal record. There’s just nothing Donald Trump can’t do better than Obama, is there? And you totally don’t expect Trump to be a good runner, you know? You’d think that the way he stands with his pelvis curved and his hips bent awkwardly with his upper body leaning forward about 45 degrees and his arms dangling down as if he were a knuckle-dragging Cro-Magnon would impact his running form, but nope. I guess it makes him more aerodynamic or something! You know, Donald Jr. and Eric both stand like that, too, so I wonder if they’re great runners as well. Maybe agility is just in the Trump genes, like their great dealmaking. I’d guess that Trump is probably the fastest president we’ve ever had. He’s obsessed with physical exercise. He’s always jogging when I see him going in and out of meetings at the White House. He goes up and down stairs skipping every other step, and often turns them into lunge exercises. He’s got pull-up bars on most of the doorways in the West Wing so anytime he leaves or enters a room he’ll do a quick set of 30 pull-ups real fast. The generals can’t believe it. He’s like a superhero. I’ve never seen anyone be able to keep up with his energy. The President told me he used to go jogging with Dr. Fauci, who is another big fan of running, but Fauci got upset and quit their jogging club because Trump was in such better shape. That’s why Fauci is lying about the coronavirus hoax… he’s just jealous that Donald Trump’s mile time is so much faster than his! And, let me tell you, President Trump looks great in his tight, little running shorts. His varicose veins just won’t quit until America is made great again!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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