Washington D.C.—
According to RNC insiders, the Republican National Convention will showcase a montage video of all the times First Lady Melania Trump has swatted away her husband’s attempts to hold her hand in order to showcase examples of their “unprecedentedly Christian marriage.”
“President Trump’s union with Melania is probably the most Christian marriage America has ever seen,” said RNC producer Stephen Thompson, who edited together the video. “You’ll never see them showing disgusting displays of affection, familiarity, or even any warmth at all like the Obamas used to do. The Obamas were always throwing their love and marital satisfaction in our faces. Maybe it’s a Muslim thing, or some Kenyan tradition, but it’s very unAmerican and unGodly. Thankfully, the Trumps could not offer a more profound and desperately needed contrast with the eight satanic years of the Obamas’ horrifying spousal socialist propaganda. Watching Donald and Melania interact together is like a remarkable master class in Christian love and devotion. There have been just so many teachable moments in their time at the White House, but you have to watch closely because they’re so humble that they hide their love well. But you absolutely cannot deny it’s there. If you don’t have a good eye, you’d probably think Melania absolutely hates Donald, and is physically repulsed by the mere idea of letting him touch her, but that could not be further from the truth!”
A Halfway Post reporter asked if Mr. Thompson was serious.
“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life!” Thompson continued. “You’re just not used to it because you let the Obamas brainwash you about what a healthy marriage should be like, and you don’t understand Christian marriage when it’s right in front of your face! Whereas Michelle would playfully make fun of Barack, and he’d laugh and make jokes about himself forever soiling the honor and dignity of the Office of the Presidency, Melania is a magnificently Christian wife who knows only to smile when her husband turns his head to her and makes eye contact at speeches. Then, the second Donald turns his head, you can see that she obediently resumes her facial expression of dour seriousness so focused on Christ you’d swear she was unhappy, depressed, and trapped in the position as First Lady as if against her will! What a magnificent Christian wife! And you can tell by the way that she’s always swatting away Donald’s hand that they always remember to stay chaste, and to save room for Jesus. Donald Trump does not give into base impulses and desires of sexual gratification, I can guarantee it!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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