Trump Claims His COVID Is All Gone, And He Did 45 Pull-Ups This Morning

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today tweeted several times about his recovery from COVID-19, and claimed several feats of physical fitness that media pundits across the political spectrum found dubious.

The following are Mr. Trump’s tweets:

“I must be immune to COVID or something because I feel amazing! These steroids work wonders, and I didn’t even need the Adderall this morning! I’m sorry I called COVID a hoax, I should have called it a miracle! It’s giving me a real Benjamin Button rush, and I feel like I’m 35 again! I’m in tippy-top shape!”

“I feel so great that I even went to the gym earlier today! I started off by warming up with a 2-mile run, and then I did 45 pull-ups! One pull-up for every president I’ve accomplished more than all of them put together, and then one for your FAVORITE PRESIDENT IN US HISTORY…ME!”

“It’s amazing because I used to never be able to do even 1! The pull-up bar always used to be rigged against me! After that I bench pressed Ivanka! She usually doesn’t let me get handsy on her, but I had Dr. Sean Conley write me a medical note mandating that I start exercising for my heart! He prescribed 3 sets of 15 ‘Ivanka Presses’ every other day! I love Dr. Conley, he does and says whatever I want! He’s way better than Dr. Fauci!”

“So I’d like to say ‘thank you’ to COVID! Getting COVID has changed my life for the better! It helped me find better stimulant drugs, feel decades younger, and my sympathy retweets have increased dramatically since my hospital stay! I LOVE COVID!”

“And boy am I glad the Regeneron worked so well for me. I started recovering just in time! I was about to try funneling Lysol up my butt! I was desperate! Dr. Fauci told me it was dangerous and medically ludicrous, but he worked for Obama so how smart could he be?”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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