President Donald Trump just announced in a Twitter thread that he wanted to cancel the presidential debates with Joe Biden, and instead have a hotdog-eating contest to decide who would win the 2020 election.
The following are Trump’s tweets:
“Why bother with the debates? America already knows exactly who we are because we’ve both been in the public eye for decades! They know Joe Biden is a baby-eating, secretly Arab socialist, and they know I’m a Godly, monogamous, body-building genius… so why argue about it for 3 whole debates?”
“I say we compete in a real challenge of presidential fitness: hotdog eating! The person who can eat the most hotdogs in 45 minutes wins! It’s so easy that even brain-dead Joe Biden has a chance to beat me! I’ll even let Joe host the competition in his basement so he doesn’t have to come out!”
“I’ll also let Joe Biden’s nurses help him out. They can cut up his hotdogs into little pieces so he doesn’t choke, or even pre-chew them so Joe Biden has it a little easier. It won’t matter because Joe Biden can’t beat me in anything!”
“And I have a secret power for eating hotdogs: after years of seeing myself naked without makeup in the shower I have totally suppressed my gag reflex so hotdogs just slide right down my throat. I don’t have to chew at all! I learned great tips on this from Stephen Miller, who shows me how he can swallow live rats whole! I’m glad I won’t be competing against him!”
“So come on, Joe! Let’s not bore the American people with all your plans to force every white suburban woman into adopting the children of MS-13 gang lords, let’s have a real competition! And it’s very relevant! Asians are so good at eating lots of hotdogs, so this skill is needed to be able negotiate trade deals with China and North Korea!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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