Trump Is Reportedly Furious No RNC Speeches Have Mentioned How Big His Hands Are

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is finding lots of details to complain about the Republican National Convention, particularly the subject matter of the speakers’ speeches.

The following are complaints the President has written in memos to various RNC insiders:

  • “Tiffany didn’t show any cleavage.”
  • “No one has mentioned how big my hands are.”
  • “The Covington High School kid was boring, and somehow had less charisma than dull Mike Pence!”
  • “There are too many marble-mouthed Southerners talking!”
  • Too many blacks. I wanted a couple tokens, not a whole football team! We’re going to scare all our voters away!”
  • “Why would Kayleigh McEnany talk about a mastectomy? America needs MORE tits, not less! We’ll never maker America great again if all the women are flat-chested!”
  • “Why are these Evangelical speakers talking about God so much? I specifically told them the ratio was 3 mentions of Trump for every 1 mention of God!”
  • “We need more speakers like Coach Lou Holz. That guy is old and out of his mind, and the more speakers like that we have means the more I’ll look good and youthful coming after them!”
  • “Is there any way we could get Dan Crenshaw to speak again, and maybe lift up the eye patch? We’re getting killed in the ratings by the Democrats, and we need creative ideas to get people watching!”
  • “Can someone tell Eric to stop texting me if I watched his speech? Tell him I don’t watch losers. And tell him it’s about time he got a new younger, wife. Lara looks like she could be his mom. It’s making the family look bad!”
  • “Melania’s Cuban Castro military costume was supposed to feature a bunch of military medals and ribbons, and show more cleavage!”
  • “Someone tell Ivanka her dressing room flooded or something, and she has to use mine tonight.”
  • “No more pardoning of criminals on live television, Sean Hannity told me it’s scaring suburban white women.”
  • “The cameras keep making me look obese and bored during all the pre-recorded bits, and something needs to change about the camera angles because it makes me look like I’m leaning forward at a 45-degree angle whenever I stand. Are the cameras rigged against me? Are the cameras Democrats?”
  • “Someone give me whatever Don Jr. was on for my speech!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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