“A Woman AND Black?!” Screamed Mike Pence At God After First Debate Prep Session

Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence is apparently unhappy about having to face off against Kamala Harris in the upcoming vice presidential debate.

A White House staffer, who requested anonymity, leaked to The Halfway Post an audio recording of Pence yelling at God in his office following his first debate prep session

The following is a transcript of the recording:

“Are You kidding me, God? Kamala Harris?! After all I’ve done for You? How many Sundays in a row have I woken up and gone to church? I haven’t missed a service in 55 years! So why are You doing this to me? After all those times I’ve punched myself in the nuts to distract myself when the Devil got into my ears and whispered that I should masturbate to the volleyball scene in Top Gun! Why, God? I’ve been nothing but pure! It’s bad enough I was going to have to be in a room with a woman debating her as if she were my equal, but a black woman, too! Why are You torturing me, God? Why couldn’t I have gotten a white man like Tim Kaine? You’ve really hurt Mother’s feelings by forcing me to be onstage with a woman! She thinks I prayed for Kamala! You’ve got to make this right, God! Why are You threatening my marriage, and forcing me to be uncomfortable on live television? What if Kamala speaks in Ebonics, or references a rap song? I won’t know what to do! What if she challenges me to a dance-off? You know I have no rhythm, God! I’d stand no chance against someone black! So why are You ruining me?! Is it to punish me for accepting the VP role from Donald Trump? I know he’s a disgusting sinner, but I did it for You, God! I thought You were telling me he would be impeached or have a heart attack, and You wanted me to be able to take over. But neither of those things happened, did they, God? So You’re actually the one who owes me! I’ve debased myself for four years while You taunt me with the presidency so close yet so far away from my grasp! Do You have any idea how many horrifying stories I’ve had to listen to Trump tell me about his polygamy? Of course You do because You’re omniscient! So why are You forcing me to debate Kamala? Is this some kind of Abraham-Isaac thing where You’re testing my faith by ruining my life? Well I’ve had enough, God! Just kill me! Kill me now! Kill me!”

Then the recording ends.

From The Halfway Post vault:

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