John Bolton Claims Trump Uses A Hand-Enlarging Contraption Daily

Washington D.C.—

The Halfway Post obtained the following exclusive excerpts from John Bolton’s forthcoming testimonial book titled In The Orange Room Where It Happens set to be released in the coming months:

“Besides his hair, weight, teeth, real net worth, college grades, business failures, popular vote loss, tax returns, approval ratings, golf scores, and inability to surpass the accomplishments of his predecessor, President Trump is most self-conscious about the size of his hands.

Insults lobbed in the media capable of ruining his mood for days at a time include ‘sausage fingers,’ ‘short-fingered vulgarian,’ and ‘baby hands.’ White House advisers regularly compliment him on his hand size to make him feel better, but no number of accolades can defeat his omnipresent little fist anxieties.

Making matters worse, Melania has bigger hands than him, and so does his teenage son Barron. Trump is most embarrassed, however, by Jared Kushner’s hands. Trump has long insulted Jared to his face for his feminine features, particularly in the present company of his daughter Ivanka, but is humiliated that Jared’s spindly, dainty digits are still almost twice as long as his own.

To cope, the President rotates through a large collection of over-sized winter gloves, and agonizes over which color or design to wear when a foreign leader comes to the White House for a state dinner or ceremony so that during obligatory handshakes his hands will appear to be much larger than they really are. Trump even wears them indoors during the hottest summer months.

Even stranger is a box-shaped contraption the President customized for himself in the early 1980s, which he alleges mechanically enlarges his hands. The device attaches rubber rings to his fingers so an elaborate pulley system inside the box can pull on his fingers and allegedly increase their length. The rings are so tight that Trump must use baby oil to slip them off, and he uses this device every morning for a half hour, though it doesn’t appear that the device has made any meaningful progress making his hands larger.

Another quirk of the President involves taking scissors and cutting out his hands in every printed picture of himself. He detests seeing his hands in photos, and manually removes them from any magazine picture he sees himself in. He still braggadociously shows the pictures to anyone and everyone he meets that day, but noticeably refuses to explain or reference the holes where his hands would be that reveal little peeks at the page beneath.”

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