John Bolton Claims Trump Uses A Hand-Enlarging Contraption Daily

Washington D.C.—

The Halfway Post obtained the following exclusive excerpt from John Bolton’s forthcoming testimonial book entitled “In The Orangutan Room Where It Happens” set to be released in the coming months:

“Besides his hair, weight, teeth, real net worth, college grades, business failures, popular vote loss, tax returns, approval ratings, golf prowess, and inability to surpass the accomplishments of President Obama, Donald Trump is most self-conscious about the size of his hands. Insults lobbed in the media capable of ruining his mood for days at a time include ‘sausage fingers,’ ‘short-fingered vulgarian,’ and ‘baby hands.’ White House advisers regularly compliment him on his hands’ size to make him feel better, but no number of accolades can defeat his fist anxieties.

Making matters worse, Melania has bigger hands than him, and so does his teenage son Barron. Trump is most embarrassed, however, by Jared Kushner’s hands. Trump has long thought Jared was a prissy boy with petite, feminine features, but is humiliated that Jared’s spindly digits are almost twice as long as his own.

To cope, Trump has a large collection of over-sized winter gloves, and agonizes over which pair to wear each time a visiting foreign leader attends state dinners or ceremonies at the White House so that during handshakes his hands will appear to be larger than they really are. He even wears them indoors during the hottest summer months when Emmanuel Macron or Justin Trudeau visit, so eager is he to impress them with exaggerated impressions of his hands.

Most odd in relation to this obsession with hand size is a box-shaped contraption he customized for himself in the early 1980s which he alleges mechanically enlarges his hands. The device attaches rubber rings to his fingers that he jams on so that an elaborate pulley system inside the box can pull on his fingers and allegedly increase their length. The rings are so tight that Trump must use baby oil to slip them off, and he uses this device no fewer than three times a week. I am doubtful the device has made meaningful progress for him, but it is a habit he has nonetheless kept for almost 40 years now.

Another quirk of his involves taking scissors and cutting out his hands in every printed picture of himself. He detests seeing his hands in photos, and manually removes them from any magazine cover he sees himself on. He still braggadociously shows the magazine covers to anyone and everyone, but he does not mention the holes where his hands would go that reveal little sneak peeks at the page beneath.”

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