President Donald Trump has tapped Vice President Mike Pence to lead the medical efforts to combat the coronavirus, although his strategy has inspired a lot of controversy.
Pence has avoided spending the money Congress appropriated on prevention methods, vaccine development or medical infrastructure improvements, and has instead spent all of the money putting together a national prayer hotline so that American citizens can call in and pray the coronavirus does not turn into a health crisis here.
“This hotline is practically like calling up God,” explained Pence in a news conference this morning. “If we just pray hard enough, we can convince God to spare America from the worst of the pandemic. We’ve now got seven giant call centers operational and ready to listen to your prayers, with twenty-five more in production. It’s our goal for every American to be able to call in and pray daily because our Christian values are our strength as a nation. I’m not surprised the disease started in heathen China and spread to agnostic Europe, but here in America our faith is strong. We understand God’s will is God’s will, so why bother trying to prevent or treat the coronavirus? Besides, if everyone dies an early death because of this outbreak, everyone will just be in Heaven sooner! It’s win-win! I can understand why the liberals are worried and angry about me spending all the money on the call centers, but that’s because they’re subconsciously terrified about burning in Hell forever. But I hope they remember while suffering infinitely for a finite amount of Earthly sinning that God loves them. So I invite all the good Christians around America to call in and start praying. And remember to have your ID or passport ready because we verify that everyone calling in is a legal citizen first. God doesn’t listen to illegal immigrants’ prayers anyway, so it would be pointless to let illegals participate. Only real Americans!”
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