The Trump White House just held its 4th Annual talent show, and the winner was, for the 4th time, Ivanka Trump.
President Donald Trump was the judge for the 4th consecutive time, and the other contestants complained about his blatant lack of impartiality.
“My dad always does this!” said Eric Trump, who came in last place out of all 19 contestants. “He always picks Ivanka for everything! It’s not fair! She’s not even hot! And her routine was just acting like a little kid sitting on Santa’s lap and pretending our dad was Santa! How original for her! And how did I get last place? I pulled a freaking rabbit out of a hat, and spent a lot of money on my cape and wand for my costume! My dad can go to heck!”
The following were some of the other, more notable talent performances:
- Betsy DeVos— she performed a short one-act play she wrote about being a plantation master reprimanding slave children for trying to learn to read.
- Mark Meadows— he sang karaoke of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On,” and then cried.
- Stephen Miller— he did that creepy thing where he turned his eyelids inside out and showed off how many Madagascar hissing cockroaches he can keep in his mouth while making pig squeal noises with the lights turned off, a strobe light flashing, and death metal music playing. He ultimately fit seven cockroaches.
- Mike Pence— he recited several passages of the Bible from memory (Pence was awarded second-to-last place just in front of Eric).
- Kayleigh McEnany— she performed an improv game where she let Trump pick a random object and she let him direct her flipping back and forth between hyping it as the greatest invention ever and the worst invention ever depending on whether his thumb was up or down.
- Wilbur Ross— he sat in a chair and slept. No one was sure if that was his talent, or if he just fell asleep.
- Ben Carson— he flipped through a catalogue of office furniture, and commented on which new dining set he’d love to get if taxpayers weren’t so stingy.
- Rudy Giuliani—he stop-and-frisked himself for six minutes.
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