Washington D.C.—
The Halfway Post intercepted another of President Donald Trump’s love letters to North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un:
My Dearest Kim,
As you may have heard, I will not be President for much longer. While dealing with the grief and depression from losing, one lingering thought keeps pushing its way to the forefront of my daily melancholies. What will become of us?
Ours is a great love story. From the moment you first threatened to destroy America with your nukes, I knew you were the dictator for me. I knew I had to go to the DMZ and meet you in person.
Our affair may have been brief, and only shortly consummated due to my short-fused rocket, but it was the most spectacular love of my life. I think back often on that night in Singapore with the utmost fondness. You held me in your authoritarian arms, and made me feel safe. You whispered not to worry about impeachment, or my Russian loans, or reelection, and for a moment I truly believed that, with your love, I could conquer any rule, law, norm, or democratic election.
But now my time in office is coming to a premature end, and yours is still in the early morning phase of your lifetime dictatorship. I know what we had was real, if only for a few nights, and that it now belongs to the past and our cherished memories. I understand it is how these kinds of things go.
I only ask that you never cheat on me with Joe Biden. Anyone but him. Do not dampen the flame of our eternal lust for a night alone with that brain-dead jerk who is the source of all my misfortunes. Please Kim, I beg of you. Can you promise you’ll never hold him in your arms like you held me, and never whisper the lovely, sweet things you whispered into my ears?
I only want to know that what we had was real love, and not just some ploy on your part to use my body in such magnificently carnal ways to get a political win by appearing on a global stage with me and gaining the validation that such a scene with the United States Government represents.
Also, can I get that videotape you took? I’d love to watch it again and critique myself on how to perform better for when I give myself to Erdogan in exchange for some Trump Towers in Istanbul.
I will faithfully follow your great career that already stands out in the history of dictators, and be your biggest cheerleader.
Forever yours,
Your Rocket Man Donald
P.S.: I developed a case of some nasty genital warts a few weeks after our last liaison, so you should probably get yourself checked out.
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