Lauren Boebert — 37 years old / Washington D.C. most of the year, Colorado the rest (which Congressional district I live in tends to be fluid!)
Hey, y’all! You may know me from helping incite an insurrection, but on here I’m only trying to incite an erection… if you catch my drift! 😉
REQUIREMENTS
- THE PERFECT LOVER FOR ME is a mix between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin with a dash of Heinrich Himmler. MUST have strong authoritarian tendencies. I want a man who wants to be a dictator in the country AND in the bedroom, and nothing gets me hotter than a man willing to try a coup — again, in the country AND in the bedroom.
- UNVACCINATED ONLY! I won’t date any sheep who blindly trust medical professionals and don’t do their own research. I only get my medical advice from websites with the word “Freedom” in their URLs.
- OBVIOUSLY NO LIBTARDS! Or most minorities. Obviously no Muslims. There’s nothing I hate more than opening my eyes to a new perspective I’ve never considered before, and having to stop and ask myself if sometimes Woke people have a few good points about intersectionality, and the benefits of cultural and economic diffusion from melting pot immigration policies, as well as greater attention to expanding civil rights rather than restricting them.
- DOESN’T READ BOOKS! No socialist college graduates, Stalinist masters degrees, or full on communist doctoral theses! Education is a Trojan horse for the liberals to sneak Critical Race Theory into your brain, so I prefer men who dropped out of high school and get by with the common sense of a rural farmer (previous bestiality experiences are a dealbreaker for me though).
- MUST KNOW WHAT “FJB” MEANS! I don’t know why, but that’s just what I involuntarily shout out when we’re knocking boots.
- FYI I LOVE GIVING HANDIES IN LIBERAL SPACES! like theaters, college campuses, the Social Security office, and New York City. It owns the libs so hard. Nothing gets me off more than picturing all the liberal tears my white heterosexual lifestyle makes the liberals cry.
- MUST LOVE GUNS! My house is filled with tons of them hidden everywhere in case Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi ever try to sneak in at night to suck my blood! Full disclosure: during fights with my ex-husband I used to occasionally pull out an AR-15 and maybe wave it around at him, but I’m currently addressing those anger issues.
- MUST LOVE BOYCOTTING THINGS! I’m currently boycotting over 200 companies and businesses that the liberals brainwashed to be Woke and/or socialist. This is an always-revolving list, so you must be an organized person capable of staying up to date on Fox News outrage segments and Donald Trump’s social media posts to know who or what we’re supposed to hate each day.
- BONUS POINTS IF YOU’RE FROM RURAL COLORADO, OR THE SOUTH! My ex-husband has a Confederate Flag tattooed on his taint, and it really used to turn me on seeing it appear to wave back and forth when I’d peg him.
- MUST ALWAYS TAKE MY SIDE IN MY FEUD AGAINST OTHER FEMALE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS! Thankfully Marjorie Taylor Greene retired because she was my arch nemesis. My new arch nemesis now that Greene is gone is Nancy Mace. She’s practically my opposite in every way: loud, uneducated, unprofessional, ignorant, and she makes Congress a dysfunctional place.
- MUST BE ACCEPTING OF AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP! I’m still recently divorced, and I’m not ready to settle down anytime soon. Plus, I get invitations to the hottest coke orgies in the D.C. area, and they’re a blast. However, if you want to join, you must have a strong stomach and not be too squeamish because Chuck Grassley eats more ass than the rest of Congress combined. Most Friday nights I go to his subterranean f*ck dungeon and take a shit on Grassley’s chest while he pleasures himself.
- MUST BE A MAN OF FAITH! I’m a good Christian girl who is pure for Jesus, so Christians only! But no Lutherans, Methodists, or Episcopalians because they’re too liberal and Woke. I’m looking for a fundamentalist Christian man who will never apply critical context to the Bible, or even read too closely into the things Jesus actually said. A man who knows that God never intended for Jesus’s commands to love your neighbors, take in refugees, turn the other cheek, forgive your enemies, and focus all your attention on the needy and poor to be taken literally and adopted by the government. If I hear you repeating any of the Woke propaganda in Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount, or the fake news Beatitudes, we’re immediately breaking up!
- MY TURN-OFFS: Disney, Bud Light, Hollywood, evolution, climate change, vaccines, the numbers 44 and 46, Nike shoes, Critical Race Theory, Mexican restaurants and food trucks, rap and hip-hop and jazz and R&B, the NFL, the NBA, fact-checking, grammar, spelling corrections, historical accuracy, contextual understanding of the Bible, most of biology, all of math, traveling outside of America, electric or hybrid vehicles, big cities, immunologists, the media, reporters, “Gotcha Journalism,” plant-based foods, Ukrainian democracy, American democracy, democracy, diversity, renewable energy resources, anthropological musings on Jesus’s likely skin color, Never Trumpers, RINOs, rhinos that remind me of RINOs, anything German pre-1933 or post-1945, fair elections, 95% of the US government, the FBI and CIA when a Democrat is president, and the majority of Americans who have voted for Democratic presidents in the national popular vote more times in the last 35 years than Republicans.
- MUST BE REVOLUTION READY! And be willing to abandon your life, move into the sewers, eat garbage, disguise your body scent with feces, and wage guerrilla warfare against the libs outside their urban, city strongholds for years when QAnon announces that “The Storm” has officially begun.
- MAGA IS MANDATORY! I used to say I get a free hall pass if Donald Trump ever wants to grab me by the you-know-what, but since the Epstein stuff came out— and Trump’s bullying of us Republicans to hide the report at all costs — I believe now Trump has betrayed the MAGA movement. So MAGA is mandatory, but that no longer in my mind is equated with Donald Trump.
If you meet these requirements, DM me with a “Let’s Go Brandon!” and I’ll hit you up the next time Chuck Grassley schedules a soirée in his undergound f*ck dungeon! But if you talk about it in public like Madison Cawthorn, we are immediately over! 🥃
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The Halfway Post 