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- Medical researchers in New York just named a newly discovered STD “Trumporrhea” after Donald Trump, bringing the number of sexual diseases named in his honor to six.
- A trad-wife influencer convention in Montana went off the rails today when dozens got sick after drinking free samples of raw milk, and threw up in the auditorium during a talk by a founder of a company that runs “natural immunity daycares for unvaccinated children.”
- The Florida state senator who is trying to outlaw pictures of nude statues like Michelangelo’s David from school textbooks has a pair of “truck nuts” hanging from his truck’s tow hitch.
- To punish Thomas Massie for being disloyal to Trump, Mike Johnson has reportedly reassigned Massie to the “worst House office in the entire building” between the offices of Lauren Boebert and Nancy Mace, which the rest of the House refers to as “The Taint of Congress.”
- The Secret Service are reportedly adding last-minute ventilation schematics to Trump’s new bunker dug beneath the future ballroom after it has become apparent the current air duct system is ineffective at dissipating Trump’s infamous “expired roast beef” body odor.
- A federal judge says someone has to be responsible for Grok (X/Twitter’s AI) producing millions of images of nonconsensual porn as well as child porn, and that’s why he’s adding Elon Musk to the sex offender list. [That’s kind of what should happen, isn’t it??]
- For the second time in a month Kash Patel reportedly wore one of his “FBI: Female Body Inspector” hoodies today accidentally instead of a real FBI hoodie.
- The FBI’s top accountant just rejected a requested budget allocation from Kash Patel to take the head of the United Kingdom’s MI6 to Hooters for their annual touch-base meeting.
- Trump is reportedly pissed because Ukraine is now steadily liberating its land with drones and pummeling Russian energy export infrastructure to the point that Trump isn’t involved in the peace talks, and won’t be invited to the final photo-op to take credit.
- JD Vance has reportedly demanded his staffers stop showing him maps and battle reports showing Ukraine has systematically outmatched Russian tech and tactics, and is now in the driver seat of the war.
- A new poll found that 100% of Democrats want the next Democratic Attorney General to light Todd Blanche’s policy giving the Trump family total immunity from IRS audits on fire on live television immediately after being sworn in.
- Merrick Garland says if he gets appointed to another term as Attorney General, he’ll try extra hard to hold Donald Trump accountable.
- Conservatives in a rural town in Florida currently battling a measles outbreak say it’s a sign from God that so far 47 people are infected, and that, because they’ve reached Trump’s number, God will soon heal everyone.
- Todd Blanche was reportedly just asked during a press conference, “Is there anything in your heart stirring for the victims of the Epstein pedophile ring you’re covering up? Any emotion watching Trump steal billions from the government? Sir, do you have a soul?”
- JD Vance reportedly wants to debate the Pope on Catholic theology.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
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The Halfway Post 