In a frank conversation with God (lightly edited for clarity), the Creator admitted that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special:
“I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there are only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there are more germs inside one of you morons than all of humanity put together. And you know about tardigrades? Those little guys are the shit. Did you know tardigrades can live in the vacuum of outer space? You humans need billions of dollars in technology to go out there for ten seconds like total biological losers. I love how you all think I designed the universe specifically for you. I designed the universe specifically for tardigrades!”
God lit a cigarette and took a long drag.
“You humans are always sucking yourselves off anthropocentrically. No offense, but I was pretty drunk when I thought up Homo sapiens, and I’m not exactly proud. I totally forgot to take out the tailbone and wisdom teeth. In the vestigial department I phoned it in. And I wasn’t exactly creative to begin with. Humans have no cool features like fangs, wings, shells, blood-shooting eyeballs, stinky scent glands, dynamic bladders for depth control, echolocation, electroreception, jet propulsion, bioluminescence… nothing. I’m embarrassed to take credit. I’d love to blame humans on Moloch, or Baal, or Ashtoreth, or Adrammelech, but, nope, it was Me.”
God cracked open a Miller Lite, took a sip, and leaned back in His chair with an audible “ahh.”
“For real, though, the idea that I’m enamored with Homo sapiens is a riot. The universe is 0% human-centric. Earth isn’t even human-centric. The surface is 70% water! The majority of the planet is inhospitable to them. Go ahead and tell Me that I created poison ivy, quicksand, tsunamis, great white sharks, STDs, Australia, earthquakes, hornets, hurricanes, sinkholes, annual influenzas, coronaviruses and hantaviruses and ebola, and meteors because Earth is just a wonderful little crib of soft pillows, hugs, and love for humanity? Give Me a break! It’s for tardigrades! Did you know tardigrades can totally suspend their metabolism indefinitely to survive periods of hostile environments, and even bounce back after virtually complete dehydration? And getting frozen in liquid nitrogen? Don’t even talk to Me about humans. Ew. To be honest, I lost the thread with Homo sapiens. I got too drunk that night, and was just fucking around, and barely even remember what I did. I think the gist of it is I pulled up the chimpanzee design and just started deleting all the important biological defense mechanisms to see what would happen. I turned down the thick body hair, added patterned balding, shaved down the sharp teeth, and made you all awkward, skinny, bipedal freaks who are prone to getting acne, IBS, and even have to wear glasses. There’s literally nothing more nerdy in the entire universe than a four-eyed Homo sapien!”
God chuckled at Himself.
“I was wasted! So that’s why I gave you all disproportionately bigger penises and boobs. But I can admit it was pretty juvenile. Now, males are so overly competitive about penis size that self-genocide is a recurring problem. Then, for shits and giggles, I turned the brain folds up to 11, and amped up the surface area of the cerebral cortex to maximize neuron capacity. But your big brains are barely being used for anything anymore except doomscrolling on your phones and convincing yourselves you’re all depressed and living in the end times, despite actually living in the most abundant, convenient, and safe society humanity has ever known. The boobs are still cool, though… Usually for sexual ornamentation I just make the males of any given species real colorful and make them do funny dances to get laid, but I gave female humans such heavy mammary glands they get back problems. Kind of an ‘oops’ on the idea of intelligent design. Drunken design would be a little more accurate. And I left in like a hundred vestigial organs. Super sloppy. And I apparently sent a real nasty voicemail to Baal. But, yeah, that’s pretty much the origin story of Homo sapiens. It would have been a cool experiment, too, except I threw everything out of whack by choosing to make humans bipedal. Big mistake.”
God relit His cigarette, which had gone out while He was talking.
“It was a mess right off the bat when I woke up in the morning to alarms going off because the females were all dying in birth because the standing upright thing made the pelvis a mess. I jumped out of bed, and had to rush out some quick DNA coding, but I was hungover, and My head was throbbing, so the only thing I could think of in the moment was to make human babies be underdeveloped wimps so they’d be small enough to fit through the birth canal without killing their moms. That’s why humans take forever to grow up and survive on their own, and their brains aren’t finished developing until twenty-five. Frankly, it ended up being a total waste of the only thing that made sapiens impressive. And obviously I severely underestimated the Creation-wide pollution. By fucking up the ocean currents and atmospheric winds, humans are seriously on track to derail all of Creation. Seriously, humans might be species I ever created. It’s pathetic. And now humans are using their higher intelligence to proliferate like cancer, pollute the entire planet, and wreck everything. Look, I’m the first to admit it, Homo sapiens were botched.”
God chugged the rest of His Miller Lite.
“Even a god can’t bat .1000, you know? But you want to know the greatest home run I ever hit? Tardigrades. Now that’s a species!” 🥃
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The Halfway Post 