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- The proliferating algae bloom in the Reflecting Pool from Trump’s recent renovation reportedly killed two bald eagles, six mice, nine pigeons, and three ducks today.
- The major prediction markets are reportedly now betting on whether Donald Trump or Mitch McConnell dies of natural causes first.
- RFK Jr. is reportedly offering to do his morning swims in the Reflecting Pool instead of his favorite polluted ponds and lakes in order to help circulate the water and break up the algae blooms.
- Several GOP senators are worried they’ve let the Trump family’s corruption go “too far” after Ivanka Trump unveiled her suspicious new island resort suspected to be an Epstein Class money-laundering front, and Eric just got busted trying to rig a UFC fight.
- Prosecutors in Washington D.C. are reportedly opening a criminal investigation into Eric Trump’s brazen attempt to rig the UFC fights last night, with several sports leagues proposing banning him from all sporting events for life.
- A liberal billionaire is offering $10,000 for anyone else who has authentic screenshots of DMs from Eric Trump soliciting insider trading tips or trying to rig a bet because, “Eric was so cavalier and arrogant, there’s no way this was the first time he’s done this.”
- Cuban officials are reportedly calling the White House hourly to start negotiating with Trump after seeing Iran get $300 billion from him without having to give up anything in exchange.
- The Reflecting Pool is reportedly being filled with so much chlorine, bleach, and other chemicals to kill the proliferating algae that health experts are warning the water is now a fire hazard that could release chlorine gas all over the National Mall.
- Trump staffers are reportedly having secret meetings behind his back again to plan how to react if Israel starts leaking Epstein Files to punish Trump for negotiating the most pro-Iran deal imaginable.
- The military drone company that hired Eric Trump to a fake job as a member of their board of directors is reportedly deliberating firing him over his UFC bet-rigging scandal saying, “We’re cool with military industrial nepo baby graft, but we draw the line at unsportsmanlike bet rigging.”
- The EPA just quietly added the National Mall’s Reflecting Pool to its list of hazardous “Superfund Sites.”
- A top national security expert says Donald Trump’s Iran deal is like if Neville Chamberlain gave Hitler the Sudetenland, let the Nazis start collecting tolls on the Channel, and then gave Hitler $300 billion. He then paused and said, “That’s actually probably exactly what Trump would have offered Hitler if he was the UK’s prime minister in 1939.”
- Top Republicans are reportedly looking to investigate some of the Trump Administration’s waste, fraud, and abuse of power because of how bad it will look when Democrats get subpoena power and start revealing all the crimes the GOP Congress hasn’t done anything about.
- After seeing several divers fully dressed in hazmat suits to try and clean the algae bloom in the Reflecting Pool, RFK Jr. took off his shirt and shoes and volunteered to dive in with just his blue jeans on.
- Following the announcement of Trump’s Iran deal, Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly just printed several new copies of his “Iran is weeks away from having a nuke” poster.
- Bari Weiss is reportedly beginning to wonder if starting a news organization called “The Free Press,” but not reporting on the biggest pedophile sex trafficking ring in history because it implicates Israeli intelligence operations makes her look bad.
- Proponents of high-speed railways built across the US are reportedly depressed because Republicans have just spent another generation’s worth of modern train funding on bombing the Middle East.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 