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- The Trump Administration is running out of the chemicals needed to kill the algae in the Reflecting Pool because their production has been stalled for months thanks to the Iran War’s closure of the Strait of Hormuz.
- Trump has reportedly agreed to sign a peace deal with the Reflecting Pool’s algae that gives the algae full control of the pool, lets the algae charge tolls from D.C. tourists, and offers the algae $300 billion in reparations for the damage the bleach has done.
- Marco Rubio is reportedly annoyed that Trump’s Iran War that Trump and Jared Kushner swore profusely would be “fast, easy, painless, and lucrative” has now taken four months and delayed indefinitely Rubio’s long-sought invasion of Cuba.
- The Trump Administration says the provision in the Iran ceasefire deal that gives the Revolutionary Guard $300 billion doesn’t matter because, as one official pointed out, “Inflation is so out of control the value will be much lower by the time they get it.”
- Don Jr. and Eric Trump are reportedly cold calling chemical companies inquiring about what financial kickbacks they could get for setting up a no-bid contract with their dad to supply the 2,000 gallons of bleach needed monthly to kill the Reflecting Pool’s algae.
- Last week Trump reportedly gave every Republican member of Congress a 24”x36” framed portrait of himself below the caption “Loyalty sets you free” to hang up in their Congressional offices.
- White House doctors are reportedly pleading with Iranian officials to please let Trump have one small victory in the ceasefire deal because the stress of losing the war this humiliatingly could very well make him have a stroke.
- RFK Jr. is reportedly waking up at 4am every morning to do “science experiments” at the Reflecting Pool to see how the algae will interact with and begin to decompose the tissue of several decapitated animal heads from his collection.
- Trump is reportedly asking his staffers whether he should threaten to have Todd Blanche audit FIFA’s accounting books or he should threaten to personally sue FIFA for $5 billion to get them to let him have the big TV moment handing the trophy to the winners.
- After several GOP senators yelled at Trump today on a phone call in which they described his Iran ceasefire deal as “an unmitigated, historic humiliation for US foreign policy,” Trump reportedly asked, “Is now a bad time to ask for another $250 million for the ballroom?”
- RFK Jr. has reportedly offered to film a video of himself drinking a glass of the Reflecting Pool’s water to “prove” it’s safe so many times that Trump Administration officials suspect he just really wants to drink the algae water.
- Marco Rubio is reportedly concerned how fast Trump’s health is deteriorating because he’s worried Trump will stroke out before invading Cuba, and then President JD Vance won’t want to give Rubio a big political win with Florida’s Cubans ahead of the 2028 presidential primary.
- A federal judge just ruled that Trump should no longer earn any presidential salary after frivolously wasting billions of dollars in public money to illegally demolish a third of the White House, turn the Reflecting Pool into a toxic, potentially flammable swamp, and pay contractors to add and remove his name several times from various federal buildings.
- RFK Jr. was reportedly observed standing beside the Reflecting Pool for two hours this morning, and Kennedy told a reporter that the green, murky, algae-filled water reminded him of the pond at the EPA superfund site he used to swim in that infected him with the radioactive brain worms that ate a portion of his medulla oblongata.
- Kash Patel reportedly freaked out when he read Senator Raskin’s demand to have all records regarding his reported slush fund payments to loyalist FBI agents, thought he got locked out of his office again, then shrugged, and said, “Yeah, I get it — this is like my fifth strike… kind of a fake-it-till-you-make-it thing that went off the rails and then sideways. Also, if I’m being honest, I think I might slightly possibly be a little maybe possibly a tiny bit alcoholic. My bad, everyone. I’ll just go back to podcasting.”
- The Secret Service is reportedly refusing to let Trump go anywhere near the Reflecting Pool because, if Trump pees in his diaper, the ammonia in his urine could combine with the chlorine particles emitting from the pool into chlorine gas that burns Trump’s crotch and lungs.
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