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- Geese are reportedly swallowing chunks of the blue paint flaking off from the bottom of the Reflecting Pool and leaving blue poop all around the National Mall.
- Donald Trump reportedly interrupted a conversation on the Ukraine War at the G7 summit to ask French President Emmanuel Macron if France could send the US another giant monument like the Statue of Liberty, but give the new one his face.
- Trump’s doctors are reportedly begging him to start using a walker to move around, and responding to his optics-focused refusals by pointing out that using a walker is less embarrassing than falling down a flight of stairs and breaking both his hips.
- A major MAHA influencer is now bottling tiny jars of the Reflecting Pool’s algae-and-hydrogen-peroxide-filled water, and selling it online as “Patriot Shots” with claims that it “prevents infection from COVID, ebola, and libtardation, and boosts mitochondrial health.”
- Several reporters have printed out copies of Trump’s memorandum of understanding with Iran so that, when they find Mike Johnson and he inevitably claims he hasn’t seen it, they can give him a dozen copies.
- The prime minister of Italy accidentally caused an international scandal at G7 summit when she compared Donald Trump’s infamous body odor to sauerkraut, and the German prime minister demanded she apologize for the insult to German cuisine.
- Senate Republicans were reportedly so mad at Trump tonight in a White House meeting about Iran that one senator even blurted out to Trump’s face that his bright orange makeup makes him look like a clown.
- Trump is reportedly talking increasingly with a positive attitude about his worsening health because dying now seems to him more comfortable than having to deal with the raging fires his second term has set all across the world.
- Kim Jong Un reportedly called the White House this morning to inquire how he can get the ball rolling on a $300 billion memo of understanding for North Korea.
- Benjamin Netanyahu is reportedly furious with Trump for signing the ludicrously lopsided Iran peace deal, which makes Netanyahu, officially, the 39,739th entry on the list of people who have been personally screwed over by Donald Trump, and now regret ever trusting him.
- A journalist reportedly told Trump during a press conference today, “Literally every single claim you have made about the Iran War has been proven a lie within days if not minutes, why should we believe you now that all the thorny issues of the negotiations you conveniently left out of the memorandum of understanding will actually be hashed out in the next 60 days?”
- Trump reportedly took a gold statue from the Palace of Versailles on his way out the door after signing the Iran peace deal.
- Trump’s relationship with Vladimir Putin is reportedly souring as Ukraine’s increasing drone superiority over Russia and virally successful attacks against Russian oil infrastructure is making Trump pissed he picked the loser.
- A MAGA fan reportedly just said aloud, “It’s kind of wild to think how Ukraine is winning a war of necessity against Russia, and the US just lost a war of choice against Iran, and maybe Trump has been lying all along about his negotiation skills.”
- A tour group of children reportedly cried for a half hour today when they saw several dead ducks floating in the Reflecting Pool that has been filled with hydrogen peroxide to kill the proliferating algae.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 