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- Trump is reportedly furious with JD Vance for leaking to the New York Times about all the top secret Epstein Files meetings, and Trump is accusing Vance of plotting to force him out of the presidency.
- Trump is reportedly demanding Elon Musk “pay up” after becoming a trillionaire thanks to his administration giving Musk billions in government contracts and squashing all the criminal investigations into Musk’s business practices.
- Undercover agents of the secretive feminist mafia who call themselves “The Clitorati” say their sex sting operations of MAGA influencers have uncovered “a strong correlation between men who make their money cheerleading for Trump and micropenises.”
- Trump is reportedly beginning to suspect Jared Kushner is not a competent back room negotiator for Middle Eastern peace.
- Pete Hegseth is reportedly costing the government thousands of dollars in physical therapy costs because he keeps hurting himself doing soldier workouts with terrible form.
- Trump reportedly keeps waking up in the Oval Office from his hourly naps yelling, “I did it! The Iranians signed my peace deal! I’m a genius!” before realizing he had only been dreaming.
- Trump’s cabinet members are increasingly unsure how long they should go on complimenting his leadership and genius during cabinet meetings when he’s visibly sleeping.
- Andrew Tate is worried his followers will realize he’s only LARPing as an alpha male with seed money he made by sex-trafficking impoverished girls in Romania, and would be broke in prison if the Trump family didn’t extradite him to honor the memory of Jeffrey Epstein.
- The most viewed video on several porn sites this week was the clip of Trump’s name being removed from the Kennedy Center.
- Trump reportedly fell asleep today during his daily “Person, woman, man, camera, TV” cognitive test in between “man” and “camera.”
- Elon Musk just made history as the first person in Jeffrey Epstein’s “do-not-invite list” to become a trillionaire.
- Trump is reportedly not talking to JD Vance anymore after the New York Times published the bombshell story reporting how Vance held multiple secret meetings behind his back to advocate for releasing allegations in the Epstein Files that incriminated him.
- RFK Jr. has reportedly been swimming every morning in the algae-infested Reflecting Pool in his blue jeans and drinking the water “so the algae’s antioxidants” boost his “mitochondrial functioning,” and also because Kennedy is trying to find the body of a mouse that a bird accidentally dropped in the pool two days ago for “experiments” on what the algae is doing to the mouse’s internal organs.
- Trump is reportedly complaining that Benjamin Netanyahu has “ruined” his birthday for not agreeing to stop fighting in Lebanon so he could sign a peace deal with Iran this weekend.
- Trump is so pissed off with JD Vance he’s considering using his failing health as an excuse to resign so that he can dump all his administration’s dumpster fires on Vance, and then claim the Iran War, Epstein Files debacle, collapsing global supply chains, inflation, and rudderless foreign policy are Vance’s fault for fumbling his “perfect baton pass.”
- Christian MAGA fans are reportedly furious with God for letting it thunderstorm on the day of Trump’s birthday UFC fight.
- Trump is reportedly threatening to leak to the media his blackmail folder on JD Vance to punish Vance for trying to release incriminating Epstein allegations of Trump ravaging teenagers’ nipples.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 