New GOP Rule: Primary Candidates Can Only Hate Women, Brown People Or Gays, Not All 3

Washington D.C.—

The Republican Party’s top donors have expressed concerns that a combination of the GOP’s rampant sexism, racism, homophobia, and xenophobia are threatening Republican hopes to keep the presidency and Senate this November.

GOP donors have been begging the Republican National Committee (RNC) to change campaign strategy on the kinds of candidates the party helps fund to stop angering and pushing away valuable voter constituencies with awful primary candidates.

The RNC last week published a revised rulebook for Republican primary candidates to follow in order to to be eligible to receive party campaign funds, and it leaked last night:

  1. You can campaign against independent women and their liberated vaginas, immigrants, or gays, but not all three. We are alienating too many demographics too often with our strictly straight-white-male identity politics, so you now have to specialize in terms of your cultural biases. Please, please narrow down your bigotry to only one or two choice groups!
  2. We are instituting a new zero-tolerance policy against publicly using words, phrases, and figures of speech that even some conservative voters consider racist. From now on, all RNC funding will be immediately revoked if you get caught publicly saying any of the following words: colored, ape-like, coon, mammy, the n-word (obviously the n-word!!!), sambo, tar baby, chinaman, chink, gook, Jap, hajji, spic, wetback, redskin, injun, retard, cunt, hoebag, cum dumpster, tranny, fag, or scissor sisters. And this is not a definitive list! Please help us here. We’ll never convince ethnic minorities and educated women to vote Republican unless we pretend that we consider them culturally American and valuable assets to their communities. AND NEVER CALL A BLACK MAN NAMED TOM AN UNCLE!!!
  3. There is no such thing as legitimate rape. Also, it looks bad when we suggest that women should thank God for being impregnated after being raped. They really seem to get upset about that, and, remember, we REALLY need suburban women to stop flipping Democrat.
  4. Native Americans are technically more American than even the most patriotic Republicans, so please don’t put yourself in a situation where you can be filmed publicly yelling at Native Americans to go back to where they came from. It’s a very sore subject! Some legitimate Americans look like illegal foreigners, but aren’t. We suggest you treat every potential voter while you’re out campaigning as a citizen, especially when your event is being filmed. 
  5. Friendly reminder: the Civil War actually was about slavery, and suggesting otherwise polls badly with the college-educated voters we’ve been bleeding every election since the 70s. Rationalize it mathematically: non-educated racist voters will support us no matter what, so remember that EVERY non-racist vote counts!
  6. Keep your Confederate flags in your basement and garage, please! There’s no reason to bring them along with you at campaign events. And NO SWASTIKAS. I thought we all agreed on that one a long time ago. Remember: always consider the optics of what you are doing and how you are presenting yourself to the moderate American voter. Keep your inside thoughts INSIDE.
  7. Obama’s birth certificate was technically proven legitimate. We should probably stop associating with Birtherism.
  8. Never suggest Hitler had some good ideas. Don’t mention Hitler. Please, we’re begging you: don’t talk about Hitler or the Third Reich in any way that’s even remotely positive. This, for some reason, has become a reoccurring issue with some of our candidates.
  9. Here’s a quick codeword cheat sheet:
  • Instead of “Jew,” say “globalist.”
  • Instead of “Barack Hussein Obama,” just “Obama” works.
  • Instead of saying “integration was a mistake” or “we need segregation back,” just talk about “states’ rights.”
  • Instead of admitting that America’s first colonists were largely “religious refugees” and undocumented immigrants, explain to your constituents that they were “settlers” or “pioneers.”

***Remember: dog whistles are what we’re after, not bullhorns!

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