Trump: “Oops, I Forgot To Mention The Bounty On US Troops To Putin Again!”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today announced he had made a call with Russian President Vladimir Putin this morning, but said that the issue of Russia paying Taliban fighters to kill US soldiers didn’t come up because he “accidentally forgot.”

“It was a great call,” said Trump. “A tremendous call. One of the best calls, maybe of all time. Putin couldn’t believe how great it was. He told me I was the best caller president America has ever had. Unfortunately, though, I totally forgot to mention the bounties Putin put on our soldiers in Afghanistan. I have one of the best memories of all time, and I’m one of the best at foreign policy of all time, and I’m so great at the military, but I didn’t think to ask about that in the moment. Maybe I’ll ask Putin next time. I would have totally asked already if the issue had come across my desk, but it hasn’t come across my desk. Not once. The intelligence never came to me. If it had, I would have brought it up to Putin months ago. Years, maybe. Maybe Obama should have asked before I ever got elected. Who knows? But I never got it on my desk. And it’s surprising, frankly, because I read so much. I read it all. Everyone knows I’m one of the great readers in history. I read everything. No one reads more than me. However much Obama read, I read way more. I guarantee it. People are always telling me that I read so much more. You wouldn’t believe how many people tell me that. He never read anything. He couldn’t read. He said he could read, but he’d say anything, so who knows? People are talking. Maybe he could read Kenyan. But when I got elected I brought English back. I said no more Kenyan. The Fake News will never admit it, but I made it legal to read English again. But I never got the intelligence. It never got to my desk. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but presidents get briefings. Great, big, beautiful briefings. Some of the best briefings of all time. And there aren’t many pictures, so they’re a real slog to get through them. Some presidents like them every day. I like them once or twice a week. I absorb information so well that I don’t need them every day. Some presidents need them every day. I won’t say who. But you know. Some of the people before me. They needed a little more help to do their job than I do. I don’t need help. And I can handle briefings once a week. Or sometimes once every two weeks. Maybe more. But I’m a great absorber. You wouldn’t believe what a great absorber I am. I absorb so much. I can absorb a month’s worth of info in just a one-page briefing once a week. But it never came across my desk. If it did, I would have absorbed it. So maybe on the next call with Putin. But maybe not. I’m very busy. Very busy. So who knows?”

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