Pelosi Put 21 Trump Crimes In A Hat To See Which One She’ll Impeach Him For Next

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump may avoid being held accountable for his criminal conduct in the current impeachment trial, but Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is reportedly already planning for the next impeachment trial.

According to Democratic Party insiders, Pelosi brought in a tall stovepipe hat similar to the style Abraham Lincoln used to wear, and put into it 21 scraps of paper with impeachable crimes Trump has committed written on them.

“We had a fun little ceremony about it,” explained Matt Jolly, a top Pelosi aide who held the hat while she picked the next anticipated article of impeachment. “She reached her hand in and pulled out one scrap, read it, and burst out into laughter. She said several times that this one would be a good one. Then she showed us the paper and it said ‘emoluments clause.’ She said, ‘let’s see Mitch McConnell and Republican leadership play dumb on this one!’ She then got right to work writing up a rough draft of the article of impeachment for Trump’s cornucopia of emoluments clause violations with his hotels, resorts, golf courses, and restaurants at which foreign governments, lobbyists, and other swamp monsters have been caught spending ridiculous sums of money to influence Trump.”

The following are a list of the other impeachable crimes Pelosi put into the hat:

  1. Trying to force governmental agencies to screw over Amazon, Time Warner, and the media in general for reasons of personal vengeance
  2. Claiming Donald Trump Jr.’s new book was good, actually written by him, and worthwhile for the RNC to buy tens of thousands of copies for reasons beyond money laundering
  3. His blatant bigotry and racism
  4. Faking a national emergency to secure wall funding
  5. The crime that is pretending he isn’t bald
  6. A lifetime of fraud
  7. Hush money campaign finance violations and illegal nondisclosure agreements he has had administration officials sign
  8. Being mentally unstable enough to encourage members of his cabinet to actively investigate the use of the 25th Amendment to remove him from office
  9. Inciting violence in a multitude of manners
  10. His nepotistical appointments of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner
  11. His tens of thousands of lies every year
  12. His partying with Jeffrey Epstein and unambiguous references to Epstein liking girls “on the younger side
  13. His governmental negligence and policy illiteracy
  14. The fact that he was born in Borneo to orangutan parents, and is therefore ineligible to be President
  15. Obstruction of justice (x100)
  16. Witness intimidation
  17. Illegal use of force assassinating an Iranian general and striking a Syrian airbase
  18. Tax evasion
  19. His preposterous handshaking
  20. His secret meetings with Putin despite the still-suspected collusion efforts
  21. Being a whiny little bitch

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