St. Louis, MO—
In a wild span of five minutes, advanced extra-terrestrial lifeforms landed in the outskirts of St. Louis in a massive spaceship, and dropped off approximately $10 billion worth of precious metals.
After depositing the small mountain of metals, one of the aliens gave a short speech in English in which it explained that the gift was to be used only for defeating Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in his 2020 Senate reelection campaign.
Fortunately, a Halfway Post reporter happened to be at the scene, and captured an audio recording of the extraordinary ordeal.
The following is a transcript of the alien’s comments:
“Greetings, America. We have long been monitoring you from our galaxy, and your present course of linear existence is most unrecommendable. Your President is a cosmically degenerate life form, and, on our planet, such a larval-minded entity would be banished to the salt mines on Zenoquologar for the torturously monotonous drudgery his chemically unimpressive nucleic acids would be much better suited for. We would immensely enjoy vaporizing him with our ship’s laser guns, but we are bound by laws set forth by a galactic federational democracy of solar system civilizations. Instead, we are offering you humans called Americans this gift of valuable metals we mined from a nearby asteroid field in order to use the funds it procures for the express purpose of ensuring the electoral defeat of the organism you call Mitch McConnell. His expenditures of kinetic energy are most unsavory and sociologically ill-advised, and his political machinations offend our advanced morality. Our galactic federation voted with unanimous consent to temporarily suspend our oaths not to interfere in your primordial planetary affairs in order to end his, how you Americans say, assholery. Let us warn you now that, should you use the financial profits you can procure from these asteroid metals for any purpose other than the electoral defeat of Mitch McConnell, we will obliterate your entire planet without a second brain wave. Goodbye now.”
The aliens disappeared into their craft and almost instantaneously escaped Earth’s atmosphere.
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