St. Louis, MO—
The latest viral trend taking over America is to get drunk, call up Republican members of Congress, and then rant at their staffers or leave long, meandering voicemail tirades laden with expletives and insults for Republicans having crapped all over the Constitution for over two decades and, in particular, the last three years Donald Trump has been President.
“I realized the other day that literally nothing is stopping me from doing this,” said Carol Humphries, 65. “I already get a red wine buzz every night—you know, for my heart—and I realized that I’m wasting so many valuable hours watching Hallmark romance movies that I could spend instead calling the offices of my state’s senators, Roy Blunt and Josh Hawley, and telling them how I really feel about their whole impeachment charades. No witnesses in the impeachment trial? What jerks! So far this month, I’ve called them every single day. I’ve complained about them putting their head in the sand about this Ukraine extortion mess, their unqualified federal judges they keep confirming against the recommendations of the American Bar Association, their refusal to look at the dozens of bills the Democratic House has passed but Mitch McConnell won’t even consider, their dumbass tax cuts for the rich and their even more dumbass suggestions that the debt is soaring because of Social Security instead of their dumbass tax cuts, their pavlovian defenses of the dozen crimes Donald Trump commits every day, and I’ve barely scraped the surface. I’ve practically turned calling my senators into a podcast. I dial up their phones and talk for as much as two hours every night, getting drunker and drunker as my rants go on. This is so much better than the formulaic plots of Hallmark movies because even I have no idea what I’ll say to Josh Hawley next!”
Other followers of the trend agree that drunk dialing Congressional Republicans is a productive way to spend one’s free hours that’s fun at the same time.
“Me and my girlfriends used to go out to the bars every Friday and Saturday night, but having girls’ night in with several bottles of wine and calling up various Republicans to trash them is so much more enjoyable than pushing away random guys who come up to us on the dance floor every five minutes to grind their boners on us,” said Ashley Branson, 26. “I’d rather insult the boners in Congress who have 18th century ideas about women, contraception, abortion, rape, equal pay, and sexual harassment. Personally, I love to call Josh Hawley’s office and graphically describe various medical tragedies that cause the loss of life in both fetuses and mothers in other, more oppressive countries that don’t give women access to birth control. I won’t stop doing this every Friday night until Josh Hawley publicly admits there are plenty of legitimate situations in which it’s painfully obvious the government has no business inserting itself into the medical decisions between women and their doctors on whether or not to get an abortion.”
Many political drunk callers find ways to make the activity bring their families closer.
“We get the whole family involved,” said Paul Nuemmer, 71. “Every Tuesday night, the kids and grandkids all come over, we have a little cocktail hour, and then we sit around the kitchen table passing the phone around in a circle taking turns doing our best vocal impressions of Mitch McConnell’s turtle twang, Ted Cruz’s pompous arrogance, and Jeff Sessions’ weird dialect of talking like he has marbles in his mouth. I think we’ve gotten pretty good, and, of course, we love to tell our Senators every time we donate money to the Democrats or go canvassing for local Democratic candidates. Nothing has brought our family closer than the unadulterated rage we share at the GOP for ruining our democracy every chance they get with voter suppression, lack of executive branch oversight, and dark money funding from their special interest superPACs.”
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