Trump Claims Bloomberg Uses Makeup, Has Fake Hair, And Isn’t A Real Billionaire

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is apparently upset with former-Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s advertising campaign against his reelection, and has lashed out in the following Twitter thread:

“Mini Mike thinks he’s tough, but he should have been named Michelle Bloomberg because he uses so much face makeup. Also, his hair is totally fake. It looks like a combover. I bet it takes him two hours and half a can of hairspray every morning to make it look like he’s not bald! I bet he’s spent $6 million on hair treatments over the years!”

“Sorry, Mini Mike, too bad you don’t have Trump genetics! My hair is the envy of the world! When I was at Davos, it’s all everyone was talking about. A lot of people don’t know this, but it’s very rare to be as old as I am and have your hair turn even blonder than it used to be when I was a kid! All natural! And my facial skin has been compared to JFK’s tan!”

“I bet Bloomberg isn’t even a real billionaire! I bet he went bankrupt several decades ago and got bailed out by banks who realized all his properties were worthless unless Bloomberg continued pretending he was rich by faking preposterous acts of self-promotion and egotism!”

“I bet Bloomberg is compromised by foreign countries and their corrupt oligarchs because his terrible credit untrustworthiness convinced all the American banks to not ever loan him any more money! I bet if he got elected, he would make all kinds of foreign policy decisions that had no logical explanation other than that he was being blackmailed financially. Maybe there’s even videotapes of illicit behavior? Who knows? People are talking!”

“I bet Mini Mike will refuse to release his tax returns because they’re filled with evidence of his compromised financial situation! I bet he’ll pretend they’re under audit as an excuse, and sue anyone that claims he’s not as rich as he is for ridiculous sums of money because his fragile ego is so dependent on superficial, momentary gratification that the only way to comfort himself about his deeply suppressed understanding that he is a giant fraud is to lash out in furious vengeance at the first sign of mockery!”

“Sorry Mini Mike, you’ll never be President. Maybe if you were more honest about your hair, skin and wealth, people would respect you as much as they respect me! Don’t forget to bring your box to stand on for the Democratic debate you bought your way into! And tone it down with the foundation makeup! Try to have a more natural skin glow like me!”

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