According to insiders at the Trump Organization, the President just signed a major deal with the makeup powerhouse CoverGirl to become the face of their brand for the rest of the 2020 season.
“The President is actually their most loyal customer, so this is a long time coming,” said Trump Organization executive Charles Prichard. “The bulk purchases of foundation makeup he buys every month have to be delivered in two 18-wheeler trucks, and you’ve seen the way he cakes it on. It’s kind of a funny story that one time one of the trucks got knocked over in an accident on the highway and started rolling and the makeup spilled out everywhere. It looked liked a giant Cheeto meteor hit the Earth.”
Regulators in various government oversight agencies, however, are complaining that the deal goes against the Constitution’s emoluments clause, and lawyers for the Democratic National Committee are looking into whether or not the deal is a campaign finance violation.
Trump himself published the following thread on Twitter this morning:
“It’s Fake News that my new CoverGirl advertising campaign breaks any laws. The only thing that beaks laws is my ridiculous good looks breaking the laws of physics. I always thought Ivanka was the hottest Trump, but CoverGirl asked me to be their spokesperson, not her (sorry not sorry, sweetie!)”
“They want me to be on at least 3 covers over the next year. I hope they want me shirtless in one. Move over, Kim Kardashian, my curves will break the Internet for real! Then everyone will see I’m not the fattest President since Taft, I’m just big boned! I’m actually thinner than Obama, but CNN photoshops every photo of me to look bigger. That’s why I call them vermin!”
“CNN always photoshopped Obama to look buff. He wasn’t really. I bet he ate way more fried chicken than me. I had some people look into Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden, and the things they found out would blow your mind. I’m just saying, if they were real vegetables, how come the Obamas never released proof in public? People are saying it’s all very suspicious!”
“This CoverGirl deal is just so crazy because I don’t even use makeup. I’m 100% natural. My teeth? Totally real. My smile? Not manufactured with botox at all! Hair? I’m one of those rare people whose hair gets MORE blonde the older I get! And it does not take me 2 hours to do my hair! I don’t even own a comb so how could I be doing combovers?”
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