St. Louis, MO—
The Halfway Post just received a leaked printed memo with detailed plans for the President’s vengeance against Senator Mitt Romney from a White House janitor who found the document in a trash can, and has requested anonymity.
The janitor’s disappointment that Trump Administration officials never recycle any paper even though the recycling bin is right next to the trash can provoked the idea to leak it to us.
The following is the memo in its entirety:
Ideas For Donald Trump’s Diabolical Plan To Get Revenge On Mitt Romney:
- Make Eric Trump convert to Mormonism, have him infiltrate the church, get appointed to the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, and then convince the church elders to excommunicate the Romney family.
- Have Rudy Giuliani cross-dress again, seduce Mitt Romney, tape the sex sting, release the tape publicly [Ask Putin for advice on how to set it up?]
- Invite Mitt to a White House meeting, give him a water bottle for hydration but it’s really vodka, and trick him into drinking alcohol (big Mormon no-no!)
- Offer Mitt the role of ambassador to China and hope he gets the coronavirus!
- Have Mitch McConnell change Mitt’s Senate seat to the desk right next to Ted Cruz’s desk! Ted is so annoying that Mitt might resign rather than have to be by Ted all day!
- Block another Ukrainian aid payment until Zelensky gives one of Romney’s kids a paid gig as a board member of a Ukrainian energy company so I can give the Romney family the ol’ Hunter Biden treatment!
- Find Mitt’s Book of Mormon, and write in there somewhere that Moroni wants Mitt to do whatever President Trump wants, and see if he falls for it! [Note: don’t use a sharpie or it will be too obvious it’s me!]
- Start dating one of Mitt’s granddaughters and promise I’ll stop if he takes back his vote to remove me from office [Reminder: I’m almost out of Tic Tacs, have Lindsey Graham go to the store for me. Oh, and my Adderall prescription is ready for pickup as well.]
- Give Mitt Romney some Trump Steaks… they taste like shit and are wayyyy expired.
- Convince Mitt Romney to start a contracting business, hire his company to work on some of my properties, and then never pay the bills so Romney goes bankrupt! Ha! Classic Trump move!
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