Ted Cruz Is Thrilled He’s No Longer The Most Hated GOP Senator Thanks To Romney

Washington D.C.—

No one is happier that Senator Mitt Romney voted to remove President Donald Trump from office than Senator Ted Cruz because he thinks it means he’ll no longer be the most unpopular Republican in the Senate.

“Huzzah!” exclaimed Cruz following Romney’s vote. “Now, when people say things like ‘Ted Cruz is the worst,’ I can pedantically point out that, in fact, Mitt Romney is slightly less cool than me for not towing the party line!”

Other senators, however, did not agree.

“I still hate Ted Cruz way more,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “This doesn’t change the fact I’ve said before that if someone killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, no Senators would vote to convict the murderer. I’d even vote to confirm that person onto the Supreme Court!”

“Say what you will about Mitt,” explained Senator John Thune, “but he voted his conscience, which is much more than you can say about Ted Cruz voting to acquit Trump only because he thinks it will help him get votes from Trump fans the next time he runs for President. When Ted Cruz voted to acquit Trump, it actually made me think a little harder about voting to remove Trump because that’s how much Ted Cruz doing something makes me instinctively want to do the opposite.”

“Al Franken said it best when he said that he liked Ted Cruz more than most in the Senate, and that he hated Ted Cruz,” said Senator Rob Portman. “Al Franken certainly liked Ted much more than me! One time at a Republican caucus luncheon I saw Ted Cruz with spinach in his teeth, toilet paper stuck to his shoe, his pants zipper down, his shirt on inside-out, and a booger hanging from his nose… and I didn’t say anything to him.”

“Ted Cruz getting elected in my beloved state of Texas twice really makes me doubt the intelligence of my constituents,” said Senator John Cornyn. “I want to believe they’re intelligent, good judges of character, but… why Ted?”

“I have many theories about several serial killer cold cases in which I think Ted Cruz should be considered a top suspect,” said Senator Tim Scott.

“Ted Cruz practices signing ‘President Cruz’ so much that he accidentally signed a birthday card he sent me like that,” said Senator Lisa Murkowski.

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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