Mitt Romney Is Forced To Eat Lunch At The Senate Outcast Table With Ted Cruz

Washington D.C.—

Senator Mitt Romney knew he’d have to suffer political consequences for his principled vote to remove President Donald Trump from office, but he was reportedly shocked when his Republican Senate colleagues banned him from eating lunch with them.

There is only one table left for Mr. Romney to eat lunch at in the Senate cafeteria, and it’s the outcast table populated only by Ted Cruz.

“I knew it was going to be rough,” explained Romney in a brief statement to reporters, “But this is inhumane. Ted Cruz is the worst. He does nothing but talk about himself, and it’s always in the third-person. He starts every sentence with ‘When I’m President…‘ and mentions the phrase ‘they’ll pay’ frequently. And he’s such a gossip queen. Ted Cruz is the cattiest, meanest priss in all of Congress. He showed me his burn book yesterday, and it seems like he has a page for everyone he’s ever met. I swore to God I would accept whatever consequences He’d send my way for taking serious my oath to the Constitution and for voting my heart, but why this, God? Why must you reward my faithfulness, despite the inner anguish, with having to eat lunches with Ted Cruz? Just kill me, God! Smite me down! Anything but spending fifteen minutes each day eating a rushed meal with Ted Cruz! It’s like I’m Prometheus where every day an eagle comes and tears out my organs. Only that eagle is Ted Cruz, and instead of tearing out my organs he reads me passages from his ten-volume autobiography he’s writing. Ted’s ego and self-righteousness are torture! Please have mercy and just kill me, God! I beg You, put me out of my misery!”

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(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)