Trump Gave Every Republican Senator A Respirator Except Romney

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump this weekend gave every Republican senator an N95 respirator, except Mitt Romney.

The respirators came with a personalized note Trump wrote thanking the senators for “being a team player” and voting against his impeachment in the Senate trial earlier in the year.

Romney did not receive a respirator, but instead was gifted a simple dust mask with several dozen holes cut into it and a note that a Romney aide leaked to The Halfway Post:

“Dear Mitt, you may be a mormon, but I think you’re a bigger moron. You should wear this mask I’m giving you out in public, it will totally keep you safe from coronavirus. I would hate for anything to happen to you, and for you to be replaced by a REAL Republican who knows I’m the greatest President of all time. I knew you were a traitor from the start. When I had my first lunch with Senate Republicans, I noticed you weren’t laughing at my jokes like everyone else. Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz would laugh at my jokes so hard that I’d have to pause for a whole minute after each one, and they’d slap their knees and yell out loud that I was the funniest person they had ever heard, and that their ribs were hurting because my jokes were so original and groundbreaking, so I could tell they weren’t exaggerating at all. They’d yell out that I was funnier than all the famous comedians combined, but not you. You refused to laugh when I said Ivanka would be dating me if I weren’t her father, and you made a face like I was the weird one. Do you not think she would date me if I weren’t her dad? She totally would. And our kids would be so hot. Especially the daughters. But your refusal to believe it and laugh at how true it was made me not trust you from the beginning of my Presidency. And your vote to impeach me based on your religious belief to take seriously your oath to God to protect the Constitution is a total joke. Believe me, I have faith in God or whatever, too, but God understands that our party is more important than America, or Democracy, or Jesus, or whoever else is big in the Bible. Mitch McConnell understands this. That guy would do literally anything to keep me, and therefore the Republican Party, in control of executive power. You think I’m soulless… McConnell might be Satan himself! And even moderate Republicans like Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski understand that defending me against Democrats, and evidence, and facts is more important than their personal integrity. And that’s why I hate you. You’re too much of a boy scout to be bribed like all the others with murky campaign donations and superPAC money coming from my shady business friends and the foreign oligarchs who want me to stay in power for their personal gain. And your dumb state of Mormons won’t turn against you like all my fans in other states. Mormons act so annoyingly Christian, unlike all the Evangelicals who love me no matter how many times I cheat on my wives, or how many times I brag about sexually assaulting women, or how many times I lie. Anyway, I’m rambling, but just know I hate you and I hope you get coronavirus. And, seriously, Ivanka would totally be banging me right now as I’m writing this letter if I weren’t her dad. Sincerely, Donald Trump.”

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