Trump Fans Protesting Quarantines Wish Someone Would Bring Kool-Aid

Lansing, MI—

The Halfway Post interviewed several protesters outside the Michigan state capitol building, and they had some interesting comments.

“I love this protest!” exclaim Nick Twardson, 27. “This dumb woman Democratic governor wants me to stay at home, but I’m showing her! How dare she tell me to stay at home. No one tells me what I can and can’t do with my body! I’m not some woman who got impregnated by a rapist and doesn’t want to have that baby, or some woman who wants to take birth control to avoid having a baby she doesn’t want or can’t support… I’m a man who gets to have 100% bodily autonomy, and this woman governor can’t take that away from me! She can’t tell me to stay at home and watch TV for the benefit of all the people of my state reversing the curve of the pandemic’s spread! I’m out here shaking hands with everyone I see, and asking strangers to cough into my mouth. Governor Whitmer can suck it!”

Other Michigan protesters thought someone should have brought refreshments.

“This protest is making me feel young again,” said Frida Asthert, 51. “Trump wants us to liberate our state, and that’s exactly what we’re out here trying to do. We’ll do anything Trump says, because we believe in him. If Trump told me to hit my head over and over with a baseball bat, I’d do it without even a second thought. Who knows what purpose it would be for, but I’m sure if Trump told me to do it that it must be imperative to stopping those libtard communists who don’t want us to hit our own heads with baseball bats. Those libtards always want the government to come in and ruin our lives by trying to protect us from harm. I’ll protest against the libs every day out here until Trump tells me to go home. And I have absolutely no complaints about this protest, except I’m a little thirsty. I wish Trump would bring us some Kool-Aid. That would be so refreshing. If Trump came up with big barrels of it, and told us with oddly specific directions that we all had to drink exactly three cups of it and then lay down on the ground and pray for him, I would totally do it. It would be so nice of Trump, wouldn’t it? No one has ever commanded big crowds to drink Kool-Aid for nefarious, cult-like purposes before!”

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(Picture courtesy of Finonacci Blue.)

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