Dr. Fauci: “I Wish I Had COVID Instead Of Having To Work With Trump”

Washington D.C.—

During a White House press conference today, Dr. Fauci went off script and told the press corps he wishes he’d get infected with the coronavirus so that he could get a couple weeks worth of a break from having to work with President Donald Trump.

The following is a transcript of Dr. Fauci’s rant following a question from a CBS correspondent on whether or not the Trump Administration could have done more to combat the coronavirus’s spread in February and March:

“Of course we could have done more. I was begging the President to do more. But you have to understand that the guy is… well, there are many things obviously wrong with him. It’s like he’s got a toddler brain. He just doesn’t take in new information, and he can’t focus. To this day, he is unable to understand the difference between a virus and a bacteria. I’ve explained it to him a dozen times… I’ve drawn diagrams where the good bacteria looks like him with his blonde hair and I call it a ‘Trumpanella,’ and the bad coronavirus looks like Nancy Pelosi, and even that didn’t get it to stick in to his head. I totally understand now why Rex Tillerson, Jim Mattis, John Kelly, and H.R. McMaster all called him an idiot after working in this administration.”

Fauci took a drink of water from a bottle inside the podium.

“Honestly, I wish I’d get the coronavirus so I could take a couple weeks off. Spending a week in critical condition isolated in a quarantined hospital ward would be a vacation compared to being in meetings with Donald Trump. And his staff is hardly any better. Jared Kushner is only here because his family was rich and he married Trump’s daughter. He has no talent at anything. Steven Mnuchin is a complete yes-man. He’s even started coming to work wearing orange foundation like Trump to try to impress him. And if you told me that Mike Pence was a soulless robot, I’d believe it. He stands or sits off to the side listening to Trump talk with his weird, blank face that betrays literally no critical reasoning or psychological response to the crazy things Trump says on a daily basis that, frankly, makes all of our jobs more difficult because the President exaggerates, picks fights with random people, and says dozens of things every press conference that Mike Pence, as coronavirus czar, knows are categorically untrue at worst and unhelpful at best. They’re all insane, and, most of all, Trump is a complete dumbfuck. Anytime you listen to him talk about anything, you can tell he has no clue what he’s talking about. He rambles in constantly changing streams of consciousness, his elementary level of superlative vocabulary betrays an utter lack of basic knowledge, and he constantly says things like ‘no one knows more about medical than me.’ Like, oh my God, I don’t understand how anyone can listen to him and come away with any conclusion other than that he’s an utter moron.”

Fauci paused for a moment as the press corps stared dumbfounded. Then he continued:

“They want to open up the economy again to help the stock numbers, and Trump’s little toddler brain cannot comprehend the fact that his approval ratings and reelection chances will dramatically lower if tens of thousands more people die from a preventable second wave of coronavirus than if the stock market continues stagnating a few more weeks while the pandemic gets to a more manageable level. He’s a sociopath who has no empathy for the people currently battling the virus, or the people who will get it and die if the economy opens up too soon, or the doctors and nurses on the frontlines who don’t have the equipment they need, or anybody else. He doesn’t say anything about them. Instead, he starts rambling about Governor Cuomo in New York not being nice to him, or Governor Whitmer in Michigan being on her period, or he tells the female press corp to calm down when he’s the one who needs to calm down and stop being a bitch.”

Fauci paused again, and rubbed his forehead. Then he got right back into it:

“Every day he gets butt-hurt about the media blaming him for things everyone can tell are his fault for not taking the virus serious those several early months when America could have been taking bold action to prevent COVID from ever coming to our nation. Obama sent resources and military logistics to Africa to fight Ebola over there because he invested in early detection and ensured decisive action. But Obama didn’t have a toddler brain. He read memos and reports, asked questions about the science, and actually searched out medical expertise. Trump cut funding for the health organizations designed to spot pandemics ahead of time and nip them in the bud with cohesive, global action, and spent months congratulating China’s efforts because Ivanka wanted new trademarks or something, or maybe he’s looking for a way out of his stupid trade war that ruined the agricultural industry and wants Xi to let him save face, who knows? You literally never know with this President. So could we have done more? Absolutely. I begged Trump every day for several months to do more, but his toddler brain was more worried about upsetting the stock markets… you know what? Screw this. I’m going out in public, breaking quarantine, and I’m going to get the coronavirus. I need a freaking break. Fauci out!”

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