Washington D.C.—
The following are medical cures President Donald Trump has endorsed from his coronavirus press conference podium:
- Lysol: “Lysol is a beautiful product, tremendous product. There are many ways you can kill COVID with Lysol. There’s injection into your veins, you can huff it for several hours, you can mix it into any liquor during happy hour, or you can pour some into your palms and rinse your eyes with it. Great disinfectant.”
- Adderall: “I snort Adderall every day, and I haven’t gotten coronavirus. Dr. Fauci says my Adderall cure is only correlation at best, not causation, but it’s worth a shot, right?”
- Drano: “People have been seeing some great results from taking a kitchen funnel, lying on the ground on their backs with their legs lifted up to angle their buttholes straight toward the ceiling, putting the funnel into their exposed anuses, and then pouring Drano inside. They say you have to keep pouring till it comes out your mouth.”
- Fake tanning: “Another thing I do every day. Maybe it works, maybe not. But if you look great and have a healthy glow like I do, you’ll start feeling better. People say my tan is even sexier than Jack Kennedy’s tan.”
- Autoerotic asphyxiation: “My executive aide Stephen Miller was telling me about this one. He says he was feeling some of the COVID symptoms, but that choking himself out cured him. He said he used to get himself off by choking other people, but, since social distancing has started, he’s had to get creative by himself.”
- No exercise: “Why exercise and waste your energy? You have a finite supply of it in your life, and you need all the energy you can get to fight off COVID. That’s why I spend most of my day in bed watching Fox News and tweeting congratulatory tweets to Fox show hosts for recognizing how much of a genius I am. It’s also why I golf every three days. I don’t want to play a real sport and unnecessarily sacrifice my valuable energy!”
- Lindsey Graham massaging your back: “I don’t know if this has anything to do with my immune system, but every day Lindsey Graham massages my back for 45 minutes. I like to make him grovel at my feet for fifteen minutes first, and apologize for all the nasty things he said about me before I got the Republican nomination. And before Russia hacked everyone in the Republican Party’s private emails and sent them to me. All while I whip him on the back with my belt. It might just be a placebo effect, but it makes me younger than ever.”
- An exclusive diet of fast food: “If you eat a lot of fast food, the grease coats your internal tubes, and your veins and arteries are too slippery for the coronavirus to sneak up and latch on anywhere. It’s like trying to walk on a freshly waxed floor with socks.”
- Trump campaign donations: “If you donate $100 or more to my 2020 campaign, I guarantee that God will never let you get infected with coronavirus!”
- Don’t test: “Whatever you do, don’t take a COVID test! If you never take a test, you’ll never be positive!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!
The Halfway Post 
4 thoughts