Palm Springs, FL—
According to a national distributor of Kool-Aid mix, President Donald Trump‘s Florida resort Mar-a-Lago just ordered 45 pounds of red Kool-Aid powder to be delivered by January 19th, which happens to be the last full day of Trump’s presidency.
A spokeswoman for the White House, however, denied rumors that Trump was planning a Jim Jones-style mass suicide event.
“I believe the President will only be preparing this giant supply of Kool-Aid for refreshments during his ‘Thanks, President Trump!’ themed gala at Mar-a-Lago on the night of January 19th,” the spokeswoman said. “The President may have said some offhand remarks here and there over the last few weeks about directing his most loyal followers to drink poisoned Kool-Aid in order to leave their material existences and enter into a new metaphysical dimension in which he will be President for eternity so America will be made great for real and Ivanka will be his wife, but no concrete details have been confirmed as far as I know to actually poison the punch and demand his guests die alongside him.”
The event is sold out with approximately 700 guests RSVP’ed for the various festivities, including a golf tournament during the day, a McDonalds-catered lunch, and a father-daughter dance in the evening.
Ted Cruz announced on Twitter this morning he would definitely be tasting the Kool-Aid, unless everyone at the party talks about not voting anyone for president who drinks the Kool-Aid, in which case he definitely would not drink the Kool-Aid, except if they later say they’re just joking and would, in fact, vote someone who drank the Kool-Aid for president, in which case he’d drink more Kool-Aid than anyone else at the party.
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