President Donald Trump’s staff reportedly paid $30,000 developing a convincing fake Twitter app to load onto his phone that lets him post tweets to nowhere.
“The app looks just like Twitter, and has the same functions, but it’s not perfect,” explained a staffer requesting anonymity to describe the President’s phone usage. “Because of the quick turnaround that the situation demanded there are definitely some flaws. The app doesn’t keep his tweets longer than a few days, and doesn’t load more than a few fake tweets from other random people we wrote up ourselves, but he hasn’t seemed to notice. He just seems happy to be able to type out angry and offensive tweets again. Once he publishes one of his messages the app sends him nonstop notifications of likes and retweets, which are all, of course, fake, but he gets so happy seeing that. He claps his little hands together and squeals with delight, and he loves showing us how many millions of retweets he thinks he’s getting. I have to admit I’m very relieved Twitter banned Trump, because these fake tweets he’s writing are truly shocking.”
The following are tweets Trump wrote out on the fake app:
“Starting tomorrow I’m issuing an executive order drafting Nancy Pelosi into the Marines! She’s going straight to Kabul tomorrow where she can never impeach me again! And I just launched an airstrike on Chuck Schumer’s globalist family!”
“My protesters should violently rebel against the most horrible theft of an election in human history! I hate America and all the Americans who voted against me! Punish them! Start up new concentration camps! If I can’t have the presidency no one can! Because America will be a smoldering ruin!”
“Ivanka and I totally banged! When she was younger and hotter before all her kids ruined her body, too! It was so hot! I drizzled ketchup all over her. For that night she was the best well-done piece of meat I’ve ever had! Talk about a mouth-watering, delicious Trump Steak!”
“Eric’s father really is Gary Busey! And I have 6 illegitimate children running around somewhere in the world whose mothers I paid off to stay quiet! None of them grew up hot so I’ll never claim them.”
“My saucer nipples are no one’s business but my own!”
“Rudy Giuliani and I made out one time, big deal! He had cross-dressed, had giant fake jugs, and never swatted my hand away when I got to second base! He was a real high-class broad! I’m not ashamed, so say what you want. But his BJ wasn’t good so I didn’t pay him. He was all teeth, and have you seen his bottom row? Yuck!”
“n***** n***** n***** n***** n***** n*****!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here and subscribe to our Substack newsletter The Halfway Café here.