Palm Beach, FL—
President Donald Trump just launched a new company called Trump Vacations that will be selling timeshare memberships to his various Trump properties around the US.
Mr. Trump has reportedly already begun pitching timeshare contracts to his Mar-a-Lago guests, and even subjected a recent Republican National Committee meeting of top GOP party officials to a three-hour presentation led by him and his adult children.
According to sources who attended the meeting, Donald Trump led off the presentation with a slideshow of screenshots from pornography videos, and he told the gathered RNC officials that sexy, young women and men “couldn’t resist” a Trump Vacations member, and that paying for the “Platinum Level” was guaranteed to quadruple your sex life, and halve the age of your sexual partners.
Ivanka hosted the second segment of the presentation, and showed off the various Ivanka-branded amenities available at every Trump Vacations property, including Ivanka Saunas™️, Ivanka Massage Chairs™️, Ivanka Robes™️, and Ivanka Husband Protein Powder™️. All of the Ivanka branded luxuries cost extra.
Presenting third was Donald Jr., who assured all the RNC officials that, at every Trump Vacations property, he “knew a guy” who could get them whatever they wanted.
And fourth was Eric, who told the audience that all the Trump Vacations properties had fun, little cheese dispensers on the ground like a scavenger hunt that were IQ-testing puzzles as well because you had to figure out how to get the cheese without letting a spring-loaded metal bar snap on your fingers.
At the end of the three-hour presentation, Donald Trump returned and read aloud the following terms and conditions for becoming a Trump Vacations member:
- You have to sign a nondisclosure agreement, and can never publicly or privately talk about your stay at any Trump Vacations property, especially to the Better Business Bureau. If you do, Donald Trump will sue you for $5 billion.
- Donald Trump personally has first dibs on any property, and can supersede any reservation.
- You agree to never tamper with the little glass circles found above the shower and embedded in the dresser facing the bed because they’re definitely not cameras.
- If you’re on the beach while Eric is playing in the ocean, you agree to watch him to make sure he doesn’t drown.
- Any Diet Coke in any public area is off-limits, and reserved exclusively for Donald Trump.
- Donald Trump reserves the right to walk into women’s bathrooms and changing rooms at any time for “random service quality checks.”
- No uglies.
- You can never say the following words and phrases at any Trump Vacations property, or your membership will be revoked with no refunds: “Election 2020,” “loser,” “lost,” “Joe Biden,” “Bob Mueller,” “Nancy Pelosi,” “Obama,” “orangutan,” “Why are there so many cockroaches?”, “Does the stench ever go away?”, and “Get out of the women’s changing room!”
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