The New “America First Caucus” Just Unveiled Its Nutty Platform

(Picture a screenshot from this CNN video.)

The following is a list of planks from the America First Caucus platform ostensibly promoting “Anglo-Saxon values” in US politics authored by Marjorie Taylor Greene and Louie Gohmert:

  • People can legally marry guns
  • Sex with guns does not count as bestiality.
  • Bestiality should no longer be illegal, just maybe frowned upon
  • Cousin marriage should not only be legal, but endorsed in order to double down on Real American families’ white and Christian genetics in their kids’ DNA
  • If Bigfoot is ever to be found to be real, Marjorie Taylor Greene gets first dibs on dating him
  • Louie Gohmert wants to increase government spending by several billion dollars on preventing alien abductions so he “doesn’t get anal-probed again”
  • Fund a national study of Canadian genealogical records to see if Canadians are “truly white,” and, depending on the findings, build a border wall all across the northern US states and Alaska by 2030
  • Renounce the heliocentric model of the solar system and return to the “Godly” geocentric model
  • Outlaw abortion nationally, but institute a federal tribunal that will allow exceptions for top Republican officials who have “such promising careers” and “can be forgiven for one, little mistake”
  • A formal resolution designating anti-fascists are the “real fascists,” and declaring that “Hitler had some good ideas”
  • Sex with guns [Not an error, this one is literally listed several times]
  • No more books other than the Bible, the collected works from the Trump family, and any books liberals consider filled with offensive stereotypes
  • Replace all math, health, and civics classes in schools with prayer time
  • Make the Confederate Flag the new official flag of the USA, and print “Republicans are the Party of Lincoln” on it
  • Build a fleet of space satellites with laser beams to fight all the Jewish space lasers
  • Butt plugs to be mandatory for all men to have in at all times to protect themselves from “the Gay Agenda,” as well as alien anal probes [This one was written by Louie Gohmert]
  • Free guns for everyone
  • One more time, sex with guns is totally cool, and should replace baseball as America’s pastime.

More from The Halfway Post vault:

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Twitter here, Facebook here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here and subscribe to our Substack newsletter The Halfway Café here.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.