The New “America First Caucus” Just Unveiled Its Nutty Platform

(Picture a screenshot from this CNN video.)

The following is a list of planks from the America First Caucus platform ostensibly promoting “Anglo-Saxon values” in US politics authored by Marjorie Taylor Greene and Louie Gohmert:

  • People can legally marry guns
  • Sex with guns does not count as bestiality.
  • Bestiality should no longer be illegal, just maybe frowned upon
  • Cousin marriage should not only be legal, but endorsed in order to double down on Real American families’ white and Christian genetics in their kids’ DNA
  • If Bigfoot is ever to be found to be real, Marjorie Taylor Greene gets first dibs on dating him
  • Louie Gohmert wants to increase government spending by several billion dollars on preventing alien abductions so he “doesn’t get anal-probed again”
  • Fund a national study of Canadian genealogical records to see if Canadians are “truly white,” and, depending on the findings, build a border wall all across the northern US states and Alaska by 2030
  • Renounce the heliocentric model of the solar system and return to the “Godly” geocentric model
  • Outlaw abortion nationally, but institute a federal tribunal that will allow exceptions for top Republican officials who have “such promising careers” and “can be forgiven for one, little mistake”
  • A formal resolution designating anti-fascists are the “real fascists,” and declaring that “Hitler had some good ideas”
  • Sex with guns [Not an error, this one is literally listed several times]
  • No more books other than the Bible, the collected works from the Trump family, and any books liberals consider filled with offensive stereotypes
  • Replace all math, health, and civics classes in schools with prayer time
  • Make the Confederate Flag the new official flag of the USA, and print “Republicans are the Party of Lincoln” on it
  • Build a fleet of space satellites with laser beams to fight all the Jewish space lasers
  • Butt plugs to be mandatory for all men to have in at all times to protect themselves from “the Gay Agenda,” as well as alien anal probes [This one was written by Louie Gohmert]
  • Free guns for everyone
  • One more time, sex with guns is totally cool, and should replace baseball as America’s pastime.

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