Rawr, Iraq—
ISIS has in recent months faced sharp losses in territory, troops, and funding, but the terror group’s head of hiring, Mohammed al-Qaurzai, is optimistic that he can recruit new leadership to turn things around for the struggling caliphate on the battlefield.
Al-Quarzai reportedly made a list of potential leaders to which ISIS should offer signing bonuses, and has raised some eyebrows throughout the caliphate because at the top of his list is US Vice President Mike Pence.
“I know, I know, ‘Death to America’ and all that,” explained Quarzai, “but we here at ISIS really need to start thinking outside the box. We’re hemorrhaging staff because of daily drone strikes, and I think it’s time for an outside-hire to shake things up throughout the organization. And it’s no secret that we’ve been huge fans of Mike Pence for years. He may not be a radical Sunni Muslim, but his brand of Christianity is really not that different from us when you stop and think about it. Afraid of empowered, independent women? Check. Racially insecure? Check. Personally and masculinely threatened by social acceptance of homosexuality? Check. Confident the end times will initiate any day now? Check. Prays all the time? Check. All he has to do is position himself a few degrees south-east toward Mecca and he’ll be indistinguishable from a radical Muslim! I’ll tell you what, if ISIS was filled with soldiers half as committed to their beliefs as Mike Pence is to his, we would not be in the dire straights we currently find ourselves! He’s as committed as he is even without the motivating promise of 72 virgins! So I believe he’ll fit right in here at the Islamic State. At the very least we’ll give him any amount of money to come teach a seminar on religious extremism to inspire the troops.”
Al-Quarzai told The Halfway Post that ISIS was prepared to offer Pence anything he wanted in order to convince him to switch religions.
“We’ll match his vice president salary and benefits, and throw in as many camels as he wants. Whatever healthcare he’s getting, we’ll give him even better! The best doctors we can abduct and hold for ransom will monitor his health day and night! Let me say this directly to Mr. Pence himself: name your price, and we’ll meet it!”
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