Dispatches From The Capitol Insurrection And 2nd Trump Impeachment

Washington D.C.—

The Halfway Post was on scene covering the Capitol insurrectionist riots as well as the second Trump impeachment live, and the following notes are a record for posterity of the chaos:

Eric Trump faked 11,800 Georgia votes for his dad, but signed his own name on all of them.

Donald Trump promised Pence he’ll never force a mistress to get an abortion again if Pence overturns the election.

Ted Cruz accidentally signed his name to the electoral college objection as “President Ted Cruz.”

Ted Cruz told Josh Hawley to back off, says “Most Hated Senator” is HIS turf.

Donald Trump is furious to learn Mike Pence is a “Libtard Never Trumper.”

“MAGA” has been distilled at last to its purest essence: an insurrectionist mob occupying Congress with a noose outside chanting “Hang Mike Pence” as his four years of mindless loyalty is negated in their eyes forever by a single, unforgivable, administrative recognition of reality.

Nothing funny about the insurrection riots except that the likelihood that Stephen Miller accidentally kills himself with autoerotic asphyxiation masturbating to all the fascism on TV has gone way up.

ISIS terrorists are shopping around for MAGA-themed clothes so police won’t attack them if they invade Congress.

Nation agrees to repeal the 25th Amendment’s part about removing an unfit president because if it won’t be used after Trump incited a literal riot to attack the entire legislative branch of government it will never be used and is just cluttering our Constitution.

Josh Hawley, sobbing, tells CNN he was only trying to get into the top 3 of the 2024 Iowa caucus.

Ted Cruz is currently calling friends and advisers frantically asking if they think he’d be more likely to become president if he renounces the insurrectionist mob or joins them.

Donald Trump casually reminds staffers horrified at the Capitol invasion that “all press is good press.”

Trump hopes the riots don’t take him out of the running for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Cops are relieved none of the insurrectionists are Black Lives Matter activists or they’d definitely have to intervene.

Banned from Twitter, Trump is frantically attaching messages to pigeons’ feet, telling them to fly to anyone wearing a red hat.

Trump is reportedly suffering severe withdrawal symptoms just 10 minutes since being locked out of his Twitter account.

America is currently debating how storming Congress to overturn a democratic election compares with kneeling during the National Anthem on the scale of “hating the troops.”

Matt Gaetz accusing the insurrectionists of being Antifa is exactly what Mitt Romney was talking about when he said the MAGA nuts would never believe the inevitable results of the election audit Ted Cruz called for.

Matt Gaetz: “How do we know Hillary Clinton didn’t clone herself a thousand times and all those insurrectionists weren’t just the clones dressed up like Trump supporters?”

Nothing is stupider than our preposterous military budget after Congress fell in forty-five minutes to cardio-phobic Auschwitz prison guard LARPers. We should divert some of the military budget to the FBI to root out radical MAGA terrorists delusionally clinging to their festering lies.

Ted Cruz: “If you had just let me be president, NONE of this would have ever happened!”

Donald Trump Jr., with unblinking, bloodshot eyes, told his dad to make him a 5-star general.

Elaine Chao resigned from the worst administration ever at the full turtle speed of 3.99 years.

Josh Hawley was forced to eat lunch today at the Senate misfits table with Ted Cruz.

Asked about a second impeachment, Susan Collins says she’s “super duper sure” Trump has learned his lesson this time.

Trump claims he read the Bible after getting kicked off Twitter, says he’s reborn again and so inciting the insurrectionist riot is “all forgiven.”

Past Trump behavior suggests he’s going to regret releasing his conciliatory, pre-taped video in two hours when he decides it makes him look weak, then get furious at the advisers who told him he had to call for peace, and then double down on his and his followers’ sense of victimhood until his lawyers explain he can be put in prison for inciting more violence.

Delusional political pundits ask “Is this the day Trump’s tone changed and he became president?”

Trump claims he inherited the insurrectionist mob from Obama.

With riot coverage everywhere in the media, Ben Carson asked if this is a good time to ask for some new dining room furniture for his office.

Ted Cruz is relieved that everyone ALREADY hates him so Josh Hawley is getting more blame.

Betsy DeVos in her resignation letter: “I only signed up to keep poor kids from learning to read and funnel public money into my charter schools, not burn down our entire democracy! Therefore, I refuse to carry out the last 1% of my term!”

Wilbur Ross just woke up from a two-day nap, is asking where everyone else in the cabinet went.

Donald Trump, burying his head in Ivanka’s chest as she consoles him, is muttering to himself, “Most admired man! Biggest inauguration crowd! Big hands!”

Kim Jong Un just distanced himself from Trump, says they were never “lovers” like Trump claimed. Kim says he only “used Trump” for his body in a regrettable moment of “corpulent lust.”

Eyeing a 2024 presidential run without her father’s fascist baggage, Ivanka Trump just changed her name to “Ivanka Kushner.”

Ted Cruz thinks single-handedly shutting down the government again will rehab his image.

Why do Republicans care about Trump and his fellow fascists being kicked off Twitter? They never read any of his tweets anyway! 

President Donald Trump is currently roaming DC alleyways asking passersby if they can spare just one tweet.

Donald Trump is preparing to give several 15-second press conferences 280 characters at a time.

Eric Trump on his new Parler account asks his followers if they know any good children’s cancer charities he should follow.

President Donald Trump is already offering “blowy joeys” to anyone who lets him tweet out just one threat against America.

Ted Cruz reportedly can’t hear the choruses calling for him to resign over the sound of his roaring presidential ambitions.

Democracy would be saved if Trump’s makeup and hair stylists quit so he can’t do any live events or public speaking.

Jeb Bush is somewhere watching news coverage of all the insurrectionist riots with a tear falling down his cheek while he softly claps for himself.

Republicans have officially become hoisted by their own fascist petard. The GOP is the minority in both chambers of Congress, and Republicans are, essentially, political hostages of the MAGA mob unable to publicly admit reality lest the noose and chants for hanging come for them.

Trump is reportedly pleading with Melania not to leave him along with everyone else.

Donald Trump’s Tumblr account, which he uses to post “tasteful, self-portrait nudes,” has not yet been removed.

Republicans say that in the interest of unity Democrats should let Mitch McConnell stay Senate Majority Leader for 2 more years.

MAGA insurrectionists told the FBI they were only storming through Congress shouting “Where’s Nancy Pelosi?” so they could have a tea party with her.

Eighty years from now bigots will have Trump flags in their basements and tell people it’s not offensive it’s their heritage

Mike Pence told Trump that his mother won’t let them be friends anymore.

Donald Trump just started a hunger strike in the Oval Office to protest the election. UPDATE: Seven minutes later he asked for a Big Mac and six chocolate milkshakes.

Trump is reportedly claiming he was “so close” to finishing out his presidency scandal-free.

Ivanka Trump says that every time her father did something illegal, immoral, racist or fascist she was in the other room working on women empowerment issues.

The “Fuck Your Feelings” caucus in Congress is begging for unity when what they really want is to not be put in the catch-22 of having to decide whether to vote against impeachment again and sell their souls to fascism, or risk their lives to the mob they’ve fed lies for four years.

Jared Kushner reportedly thinks he may have married into the wrong family.

Trump is desperately asking aides what distraction he should create to distract from the coup that distracts from his COVID failures.

Kellyanne Conway claims Trump’s insurrection wasn’t a coup, it was just an “alternative concession.”

Mike Pence wants to blame the Gay Agenda for the rioters chanting “Hang Mike Pence,” but is frustrated he can’t find traces of glitter anywhere in the Capitol.

Republicans say if Democrats are going to admit D.C. and Puerto Rico as states, they should be able to admit the “State of Denial” into the Union and get two extra senators who claim Trump really won.

Republicans say a new tax cut for the rich will trickle down and unify the country.

Ted Cruz says he cares about calls for his resignation as much as he cares about insults at his wife.

Ken Starr says unless there was a blowjob involved he just doesn’t see how Donald Trump could possibly be impeached for inciting the coup attempt.

Trump was already going to be remembered forever as a bloody shit stain on US history, now he’s vomiting all over the pile of shit just to spite us.

McDonalds just banned Donald Trump from ever eating their food again.

Adderall just put Trump on its national do-not-prescribe list.

Trump says it’s unfair the Black president got two terms and he doesn’t.

“You’ll never abandon me like everyone else,” Trump just whispered to his bowl of ice cream.

Trump spent all weekend stealing priceless American historical artifacts to pawn.

Trump is currently sulking around the White House with a tub of fried chicken intended for a family of six and writing “I won” in grease with his finger on the walls.

Trump just reminded Ivanka she’s running out of time to sleep with a US president.

Trump just signed an executive order demanding everyone send back their stimulus checks because of how unfairly everyone is treating him.

BREAKING NEWS: President Donald Trump is reportedly no longer using toilets in the White House…

Ivanka Trump says the senator who spends the least money on her handbags and fashion brands this year will be the senator whose state she moves to in order to run against in 2022.

The International Big Mac Eating Championship has announced they will no longer be hosting their 2021 competition at Mar-a-Lago.

Tomi Lahren has reportedly been struggling for days, but just can’t make the mathematical logic work on proving how the Capitol insurrection was Colin Kaepernick’s fault.

Ted Cruz says he couldn’t live with himself unless he leaves his daughters an America he destroyed stopping at nothing to try and become president.

Jim Jordan accidentally left his Zoom camera on while strangling several squirrels during the impeachment committee hearings.

“In the name of national unity, the investigation into what I knew about those wrestler kids getting molested should be dropped!” says Jim Jordan.

Mitch McConnell says three impeachment ghosts visited him last night and taught him the meaning of the Constitution.

Fox News is reportedly offering $10,000 for anyone who can provide information that leads to the identification of one Antifa member among the Capitol insurrectionists so Fox can blame the riot all on Democrats.

Joe Biden announced he has 1,000 sworn affidavits proving Donald Trump is a “whiny little bitch.”

Vice President Pence says he’s sympathetic to the economic anxiety of all the rioters who chanted “Hang Mike Pence.”

Matt Gaetz says his 2008 DUI was because of Antifa.

Ivanka Trump is reportedly worried her father’s cultivation of anti-Semites will hurt her presidential ambitions, and that she won’t be able to win over the “Camp Auschwitz” rioters.

Donald Trump just printed off a Microsoft Word template certificate on which he wrote “Official Presidential Get-Out-Of-Jail Free Card.”

“We should be focusing on COVID, the economy, and holding the rioters accountable,” say Republicans who don’t want any more relief checks, stimulus, or to impeach Trump for inciting the riot.

“The radical socialist Leftist Democrat communists who hate America and freedom and are destroying the American way of life and culture need to be less divisive,” say majority of Republicans.

Donald Trump says he should be remembered in history like George Washington for voluntarily giving up power.

Joe Biden says he gets to play laser tag as many days as Trump golfed.

Donald Trump is reportedly pissed he got impeached twice and didn’t even get one blowjob.

White House staffers unanimously agree that this week has proven Trump is the ugliest, weepiest, loudest crier they’ve ever seen.

Donald Trump claims Democrats bused in dozens of legislators from Mexico to fraudulently vote for his impeachment.

Donald Trump wants the record to show that he would have gotten COVID cases down to zero if Democrats hadn’t impeached him twice.

Lindsey Graham: “For the sake of national unity let’s just forget that we Republicans have been lying about virtually everything for 4 years to the point that our voters are entirely delusional and no longer have any connection to reality except violence and insurrection.”

BREAKING NEWS: Ted Cruz admits he’s Mothman.

Ivanka Trump is reportedly eating a lot of possum to prepare for fitting in when she moves to Florida.

Donald Trump was just heard screaming at Rudy Giuliani “From now on you’re working pro boner!”

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