New GOP Rule Dictates That Republican Primary Candidates Can Only Hate Women Or Brown People, Not Both

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Washington D.C.—

The Republican Party’s top donors have concerns that an electoral blue wave is coming, which threatens the GOP’s control the government, and GOP donors have been begging the Republican National Committee to change campaign strategy.

Acknowledging the GOP’s deep decline in public support, the RNC last week published a revised rulebook for Republican primary candidates to follow in order to to be eligible to receive party campaign funds.

It leaked last night. The following are some of the GOP’s new campaign rules:

  1. You can campaign against independent women and their liberated vaginas, or ethnic minorities, but you have to pick one. We are alienating too many demographics too often with our strictly white-male identity politics, so you now have to specialize in terms of your cultural biases. Please, please narrow down your bigotry to one or only a few choice groups!
  2. We are instituting a new zero-tolerance policy against publicly using words, phrases, and figures of speech that even conservatives voters consider racist. From now on, all RNC funding will be immediately revoked if you get caught publicly saying any of the following words: colored, ape-like, coon, mammy, the n-word (obviously the n-word!!!), sambo, tar baby, chinaman, chink, gook, Jap, hajji, spic, wetback, redskin, injun, retard, libtard, hoebag, cum dumpster, tranny, or scissor sisters. And this is not a definitive list! Please help us here. We’ll never convince ethnic minorities and educated women to vote Republican unless we pretend that we consider them culturally American and valuable assets to their communities. AND NEVER CALL A BLACK MAN NAMED TOM AN UNCLE!!!
  3. There is no such thing as legitimate rape. Also, it looks bad when we suggest that women should thank God for being impregnated after being raped. They really seem to get upset about that, and, remember, we REALLY need suburban women to stop flipping Democrat.
  4. Native Americans are technically more American than even the most patriotic Republicans, so please don’t suggest that Native Americans don’t belong here. It’s a very sore subject! And don’t tell them to go back where they came from.
  5. Friendly reminder: the Civil War actually was about slavery, and suggesting otherwise polls badly with the independents we desperately need.
  6. Keep your Confederate flags in your basement and garage, please! There’s no reason to bring them along with you at campaign events. And NO SWASTIKAS. I thought we all agreed on that one a long time ago. Remember: always consider the optics of what you are doing and how you are presenting it. Keep your inside thoughts INSIDE.
  7. Obama’s birth certificate was technically proven legitimate. We should probably stop associating with Birtherism.
  8. Never suggest Hitler had some good ideas. Don’t mention Hitler. Please, we’re begging you: don’t talk about Hitler or the Third Reich in any way that’s even remotely positive. This, for some reason, has become a reoccurring issue with some of our candidates, both young and old.
  9. Here’s a quick code word cheat sheet:
  • Instead of “Jew,” say “globalist.”
  • Instead of “Barack Hussein Obama,” just “Obama” works.
  • Instead of saying “integration was a mistake” or “we need segregation back,” just talk about “states’ rights.”
  • Instead of admitting that America’s first colonists were largely “religious refugees” and undocumented immigrants, explain to your constituents that they were “settlers” or “pioneers.”

***Remember: dog whistles are what we’re after, not bullhorns!

****DON’T MENTION RAPE OR HITLER AS POSITIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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