New GOP Rule Dictates That Republican Primary Candidates Can Only Hate Women Or Brown People, Not Both


Washington D.C.—

The Republican Party is dealing with concerns from its top donors that a blue wave is coming, which threatens to give the House majority back to Democrats and also threatens the GOP’s Senate majority. As a result, donors are begging the Republican National Committee to change their campaign strategy.

The calls for improved electoral tactics have not gone unheard, and the RNC this morning released a new report of revised rules that Republican primary candidates must follow in order to to be eligible for RNC funds:

  1. You can campaign either on your fear of independent women and their vaginas, or your fear of ethnic minorities, but you have to pick one. We are alienating too many demographics of people with our strictly white-male identity politics, so you can no longer campaign against both the rights of women and the cultural acceptance of ethnic minorities. Please, please specialize!
  2. We are instituting a new zero-tolerance policy against terms that independent voters consider racist. From now on, all RNC funding will be immediately revoked if you get caught publicly saying any of the following words: colored, ape-like, coon, mammy, the n-word (obviously the n-word!!!), sambo, tar baby, chinaman, chink, gook, Jap, hajji, spic, wetback, redskin, or injun. Please. We’ll never convince ethnic minorities to vote for the Republican Party until we start pretending we consider them culturally American. AND NEVER CALL A BLACK MAN NAMED TOM AN UNCLE!!!
  3. There is no such thing as legitimate rape. Also, it looks bad when we suggest that women should thank God for being impregnated after being raped.
  4. Native Americans are technically more American than even the most patriotic Republicans, so please don’t suggest that Native Americans don’t belong here. It’s a very sore subject!
  5. Friendly reminder: the Civil War actually was about slavery, and suggesting otherwise polls badly with the independents we desperately need.
  6. Keep your Confederate flags in your basement and garage, please! There’s no reason to bring them along with you at campaign events. Remember: always consider the optics of what you’re doing.
  7. Seriously, Obama’s birth certificate was proven real. The Republican Party needs to stop being associated with Birtherism!
  8. Never suggest Hitler had some good ideas. Don’t mention Hitler. Please, we’re begging you: don’t talk about Hitler or the Third Reich in any way that’s even remotely positive. This, for some reason, has become a reoccurring issue with some of our younger candidates.
  9. A quick code word cheat sheet:

Instead of “Jew,” say “globalist

Instead of “Barack Hussein Obama,” just “Obama” works

Instead of saying “integration” or “segregation,” just say “states’ rights

Instead of admitting America’s first colonists were largely “religious refugees,” explain to your constituents that they were “settlers” or “pioneers


* Remember: dog whistles are what we’re after, not bullhorns!



(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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