In a wild new approach to social justice, several self-described “social justice warriors” that run an annoying Tumblr blog have enslaved themselves in an attempt to personally make up for slavery.
“White people need to pay for the crimes they have committed throughout history, and we aim to personally hold ourselves accountable,” said Raechel Jones of Seattle, Washington, the founder of the highly irritating Tumblr blog “Unless U Call Every White Person Hitler, Ur Hitler.” She is 21 years old.
“Raechel’s idea is brilliant,” said Kaylyn Ermeling, 20, another administrator of the Tumblr page. “This world will never be fair as long as white people don’t have to feel the same pain that they inflicted on minorities throughout history. So as of last Wednesday, me, Raechel and the two other administrators of the blog have offered our enslavement to Raechel’s black neighbor. We are prepared to do anything he asks, and are willing to accept any punishment he deems necessary to keep us in line.”
The other two members of the blog are Tyler Andrews, 21, and Wayne Togman, 34, who are just as willing to be enslaved as well.
The neighbor of Ms. Jones is Alex Placker, though he is not as willing a participant in this social justice experiment.
“I have no idea what they’re talking about,” said Placker. “Last Wednesday they came onto my yard and refused to leave, saying they were my slaves effective immediately. At first I thought it was some weird sexual thing, and they offered to do whatever, whatever I wanted, but I just want them to leave. I called the police, but the cops said that since they are my property it’s my responsibility to remove them from my lawn. One of them mowed my lawn over the weekend, which was nice, but I really don’t want to be the first black guy that has white slaves, even if it might help solve America’s race problems. And for some reason they keep calling me Hitler because I told them that I don’t think all white people are racist.”
The NAACP issued a statement about the social justice effort explaining that no black people honestly think the solution to racism is white enslavement.
“If a lot of white people would just chill out, racism would be solved,” a spokesperson said. “We do not, nor have we ever, called for white slavery.”
“The NAACP is racist and filled with Hitlers!” said Ms. Jones in response.
(Picture courtesy of momo.)