The Democratic Party Promises They’ll Try In 2018 Midterms For Once


Washington D.C.—

After a series of colossal midterm electoral failures in 2010 and 2014, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) promises that Democrats will try out a bold, new strategy to achieve the midterm success that has eluded them for so many election cycles: the DNC will actually try to gain seats.

The Democratic Party’s past midterm struggles had a disastrous effect on passing President Barack Obama’s legislative agenda into law, and the 2010 midterm losses were particularly great and painful when a red wave of hyper-partisan Tea Party candidates were elected with the sole intention to stop the American government from functioning like a rationally sensible governing body. These Tea Partyers won the GOP an unfortunate majority in the House.

In 2014, Republicans won control of the Senate, giving the GOP full power of Congress. However, Democrats still had control of the executive branch and its presidential veto.

In 2016, though, Democrats blew it again and even lost the presidency—somehow—to, literally, the shittiest person in America, Donald Trump.

In 2018, conditions seem much more ripe for Democratic success, with a visibly impotent Republican Congress unable to pass their owns laws even as the GOP controls the entire government, and a wildly unstable and unpopular president who is increasingly likely treasonously colluding with America’s decades-long chief ideological rival.

DNC Chairman Walter Neimens unveiled his new strategy for 2018 success in a new power point presentation he put together after months of studying and deconstructing the DNC’s past failures. His presentation includes just one slide, with a single goal: “TRY,” written in all capital letters in the war-like font Herculanum.

Noting past failures of the Democratic Party’s base of voters to actually go to the polls on election day to vote, Neimens emailed the presentation to every registered Democrat in the country in the hopes that Democratic voters will commit to the bare minimum of effort: actually voting.

Hope it works, Dems. The country needs you to not fumble in the end zone again like in 2016.

(Picture courtesy of David.)

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