St. Louis, MO—
President Donald Trump’s first two and a half years in office have been objectively terrible, offensive to humanity, and negligently ineffective. Every day he’s yielding more to his fascist tendencies, and he’s hard at work ruining the post-WWII American-led world order. He also has a terrible personality, and is the personification of everything that is wrong with American culture.
But while we reflect on his general awfulness, we must remember that Mr. Trump was born in 1946, a full 32 years before America stopped widely using lead-based paint in homes in 1978. Trump’s home was certainly painted with lead-based paint, and it’s very probable that little Donnie began every morning eating an unbalanced breakfast of paint chips while growing up. We here at The Halfway Post have run the numbers, and we can safely say the President has consumed not a paint chip fewer than 5,450 square inch pieces.
Trump’s personality issues, cognitive troubles, ego complexes, and general incapacity for learning all very likely stem from this childhood lead-related poisoning. Trump has neither denied nor confirmed these speculations, but it’s not like he would want to deny them. Would he want to admit that he’s such a conspicuous idiot without having eaten any lead paint? We here at The Halfway Post wouldn’t if we were such giant morons!
So next time you’re giving ‘ol Donnie a hard time, just remember that he probably screwed up his brain licking the lead-filled walls of Trump Manor.