New York, NY—
Fox News has been no stranger to staff shakeups lately, and has lost several of its grossest old, white men employees to blatant sexual harassment incidents, but it’s starting to affect Fox’s audience base.
The former “King of Cable News” Bill O’Reilly spent years allegedly—but probably—being a pervert and got canned for it, and his audience really misses him. O’Reilly’s replacement, Tucker Carlson, is still a hack, of course, but a hack without the subtle race-tinged tendencies of Mr. O’Reilly.
“Man, I really miss Bill-O,” said longtime Fox viewer Cletus Dimmer. “Bill had a real nice way of conceptualizing every current event into a dog whistle-y kind of complaint about black culture, or the culture of some other ethnic or religious minority. Tucker Carlson doesn’t quite get to the racial undertones of issues such as Super Bowl performers, criticisms of police abuse, and the Democratic Party. I know you can’t stop America from changing, but I just wish Americans would slow down with all of this ‘woke’ business.”
Other Fox viewers were unhappy with Carlson’s propaganda instincts.
“You see, I think Tucker just makes it too obvious that he’s telling us conservatives what we want to hear,” said viewer Cheryl Hinters. “O’Reilly had a certain wise man kind of schtick where he would spout off blatantly propagandized opinions and skewed facts, but he would say it with a kind of white man’s authority where I had no problem forgetting about and ignoring the perspective of blacks, hispanics and Muslims. Tucker, meanwhile, either hasn’t internalized the same sort of racial superiority as O’Reilly, or he’s just trying too hard to pretend to be objective. The result is that Tucker’s Cabbage Patch doll face during interviews just kind of looks like he’s shitting his pants.”
Many viewers, however, were willing to give Tucker Carlson some time to see if he improves.
“I’m hoping Tucker will grow on me,” said longtime Fox News fan Mark Thompson. “But I just feel talked down to a little bit. Tucker’s so awkward with the propaganda, that I don’t get the same serotonin rush that I used to from prime time Fox shows, even though they’re giving me the same anti-liberal bias that I’ve become so addicted to. I honestly went through withdrawal symptoms when O’Reilly got canned. But I’m a life-long Fox man. I ripped out the power buttons on both my TV and remote control so that Fox News will never be turned off in my house. In fact, I even have the image of Bill O’Reilly yelling about Beyoncé burned on to my screen from one night when I had paused the show and fell asleep. I’m not even close to burning Tucker onto the screen—he hasn’t yelled about Beyoncé even one time.”