Washington D.C.—
The Halfway Post has exclusively learned that President Donald Trump has been participating in tutoring sessions taught by former Vice President Dick Cheney.
The sessions have lasted an hour each, and have been organized on Fridays for the last three months during Mr. Trump’s scheduled “executive time.”
According to sources in the White House, who all requested anonymity to discuss the secret goings-on in the Oval Office, Trump has been a very poor student.
“Cheney noticed that the President had been bungling the public rationale for the lead up into this unnecessary war with Iran that his neoconservative war hawk advisers have been trying to push America into,” explained a Trump aide. “And Dick wanted to have lunch one day with Trump to give him some pointers on how to fake evidence of Iranian wrong-doing, how to provoke Iran into doing militaristic things, and stuff like that, but Trump, well, he needed much more than a lunch. Things got off to a rough start when Cheney pulled out a map without the countries’ names labeled thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal, but Trump just could not comprehend where Iran actually was on the map. Even with Cheney pointing it out repeatedly, Trump just could not remember, and kept mistaking various countries in South America and Africa for Iran. On the plus side, thanks to the tutoring, Trump can finally point to where Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan are on a map, which is good considering we have troops there currently. It’s been tough working around Trump’s ten-year-old intellect, but Cheney has gotten Trump to focus by employing a prize system of blue star stickers he gets every time he memorizes a a new fact about Iran’s government. It’s a great ego booster for Trump, too, because he’s very happy he’s earned six blue stars over the last three months while we remind him that Obama never earned any.”
Other aides described Trump’s lack of focus being a big obstacle in Cheney’s efforts.
“At first there was a bit of a scheduling conflict because Cheney hoped to conduct the tutoring sessions first thing in the morning,” explained another aide. “Trump agreed, but was real bad about keeping Cheney waiting several hours. You see, Trump likes to watch recordings of the previous night’s Fox News programming in the morning before getting out of bed while sipping his first of six 2-liter bottles of Diet Coke, and of course it takes another hour or two for Trump to do his fake tanning session, his makeup routine, and for his hair dresser to unload the three cans of hair spray needed to mold his fake, stitched-in hair and bring it from the back of his male-pattern balding around the top, across the front, and then backwards again. It takes so much spray that his hair dresser has to wear gardening gloves and replace them weekly. And all this time, poor Dick Cheney has to sit waiting down below the White House residency. I feel so bad for the guy. For starters, he’s pretty old and doesn’t have much time left to live, but also because I’ve heard that hundreds of thousands of ghosts of dead Iraqis haunt him, and, when he’s forced to sit still, their unnecessarily lost lives weigh most heavily on his soul.”
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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)
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