St. Louis, MO—
Local evangelical man Rob Hartford of South City admitted today to The Halfway Post that, despite his fondness for judging his neighbors and family members, he’s never actually read the whole Bible.
“If I had to guess,” explained Mr. Hartford, “I’ve probably never read more than a few pages. I used to receive Bibles for Christmas and birthday presents growing up, but they always collected dust on my shelf because I was always much more into comic books. But, you know, sometimes in life it’s not about what you read, it’s about what you feel. And I feel Christ in my bones. It’s like all that gay stuff—all my atheist, heathen acquaintances who have read the Bible say Jesus never mentions homosexuality even one time, but that just don’t sound right to me, so I can tell I’m the one who’s right. Why would God ever make other dudes want to kiss dudes if I personally don’t want to kiss a dude? It just doesn’t make any sense for these libtards to put themselves in the shoes of queers, and I think the Democrats who are okay with diversity and tolerance are actually the intolerant ones!”
Our Halfway Post reporter asked Mr. Hartford to elaborate further, and he was more than willing.
“The way I see it, Christians are actually the most persecuted group of people in America. It’s true! Because when all these Mexicans, and Muslims, and LGBTQ-XYZ people, and atheists, and Buddhists, and feminists, and coastal city artists are allowed to live in America and act like America is their home, it infringes on my right to keep America a straight, white, Christian, culture-less nation. I feel like I don’t even fit in in my own country! Nothing makes me more persecuted than when I’m at some niece or nephew’s wedding, and there’s all these young, mixed people of color who can dance well. And I see this new generation of women who don’t want to be married at 18, and insist men keep their hands to themselves. That’s not the America I grew up in! My favorite word in the English language is ‘tutz,’ and all these Millennial women can’t take a compliment when I yell at them from across the street ‘Hey tutz! Nice rack!’ This new generation of women are ruining America! My father hit my mother in front of all of us kids when he got drunk, but my wife doesn’t let me lay a finger on her. It’s like I don’t even recognize America anymore. This country has gone down the drain with all of this politically correct stuff! The Bible specifically says that kind of behavior is blasphemous… I don’t know where, but I can feel it’s in there somewhere!”
Our Halfway Post reporter just stared at Mr. Hartford, and eventually he walked away.