St. Louis, MO—
After a morning of protesting at the local Planned Parenthood, several Evangelical demonstrators took a break from screaming obscenities at young women getting routine medical checkups in order to go to the mall and scream obscenities at the apathetic employees of the West County Mall’s H&M clothing store for selling polyester clothing.
“A lot of other Evangelicals don’t realize this,” explained protest organizer Sally Shelderson, a resident of St. Charles, “But the Bible specifically forbids mixing fibers in your clothes in Leviticus 19:19. So I got to thinking that we couldn’t only be protesting abortion if our goal was to truly spread ALL the warnings and messages of the Lord’s good book. In fact, many of our fellow Christian protesters who only get involved when it calls for slut-shaming are actually wearing polyester shirts and socks! They’re protesting one sin while literally committing another! I even saw one protester this morning eating a cobb salad with shrimp on it. Shrimp! Have these other Christian protesters ever even read Leviticus?”
Ms. Shelderson has built up an Evangelical following thanks to her insistence that many more aspects of modern life deserve shaming than just abortion.
“I loved this concept of diversity in protest subjects,” explained Tenika Doyle of South City, an enthusiastic member of Shelderson’s protest efforts. “If you just protest Planned Parenthood every day, you find yourself committing sins of very dark judgement, and I don’t think Jesus would appreciate that very much. So if you spread out the Biblical criticism a little, you remind people how very inconvenient fundamentalist approaches to Christianity can be. And isn’t that the point of religion? To be so burdened with contemporarily arbitrary behavior rules and regulations on daily life that you can’t help but be reminded of God’s omnipotence and omnipresence? I think so! And that’s why all these H&M shoppers need a good reminder that the mixing of fibers is a metaphorical faux pas, even though I don’t 100% understand why. Surely the ancient goat-herding epileptics who passed down the Bible’s rules orally for hundreds of pre-literate years had a good enough reason for it, even though modern polyester clothes have stronger fibers than cotton that don’t wear down as quickly, wrinkle as much, or shrink so fast. God works in mysterious ways, you know? As a young, socially woke person, however, I’d like to protest H&M’s suspiciously cheap prices, which indicate a certain degree of Asian sweat shop labor in H&M’s supply chain, but the Bible actually finds no moral qualms with child slavery, as much as I’ve tried to find a verse opposing it, so I guess I have to just stick to the mixed fibers thing.”
The H&M store employees, meanwhile, all agreed they were not paid enough to care about the protests going on in front of their store.
“It’s kinda weird,” explained H&M’s Shantel Moore, the afternoon shift’s designated clothes folder. “But I took a pot brownie before coming in, and so I’ve just been chilling listening to headphones while folding. It’s pretty easy to zone them out. They’re kind of blocking the entrance and obstructing potential customers from coming in, but I guess I don’t really care because I make the same amount of money per hour if we have one customer all day or ten thousand customers, so…. If my boss or the H&M higher ups were willing to share some of the profits we lowly employees facilitate with our monotonous, soul-sucking work, I might try a little harder because my above and beyond, extra effort would be adequately and fairly compensated with legitimate trickle-down economic personal bonuses, but the structural profit mobility trickles only upward to already mega rich, corporate robber barons. In layman’s terms, I’m not gonna do shit about these protesters because it means I don’t have to come behind a bunch of disrespectful shoppers and refold all the clothes they inevitably mess up and leave in random places all throughout the store. That’s life, baby!”