Local Christian Starting To Suspect Jesus Would Not Approve Of Donald Trump

St. Louis, MO—

Self-described born-again Christian Richard Woeffler of South City recently had an epiphany that President Donald Trump’s policies on immigrants aren’t as Christian as he had originally thought.

The Halfway Post sat down with Mr. Woeffler for a brief interview.

“So I read in the news the other day about all this business about children being detained at the border and kept in enclosures with no blankets or toothbrushes, and it dawned on me that Jesus never told us to abuse migrant children,” explained Woeffler.

Woeffler than committed himself to reading the Bible to try and find some kind of rationale for the child cages.

“What I found truly astounded me! I thought for sure Leviticus would have something about the treatment of foreigners, and I was right! However, Leviticus did not mention anything about mistreating migrant children. In fact, it said the complete opposite! Verse 19:34 reads, ‘You shall treat the stranger who sojourns with you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.’ Boy howdy, that just blew me away when I read it. I had to read it several times because I thought Satan must be deceiving my eyes! I even went to my local library and checked out other translations of the Bible to see if somehow my Bible had had some kind of typos or misprints or something, but they all say to treat foreigners like native-born citizens! What a surprise!”

The epiphany stayed in Woeffler’s mind for several days.

“All this time, I had been thinking my hardline, pro-Trump immigration beliefs were rooted in Biblical tough love, but I’m still floored a week later that Leviticus had a soft love approach to this issue! And I’ve always been such a big fan of Leviticus for its harshness. I have a tattoo of Leviticus 18:22, the line about men not laying with other men, right on my mons pubis so that every woman I ever lay with knows for certain I’m not gay, yet, if I’m so set on judging gay people because of a Leviticus line, I’d have to be a raging hypocrite to not judge all these Trump supporters who hate immigrants the same way! It’s clear as day that we are Biblically obligated to take care of these refugees and migrant children as if they were our own children! It’s almost enough to make me turn my back on Donald Trump, but, to be honest, I just love his racism way too much to ever vote against him. If a Democrat becomes president, he’ll never provide an ideological framework to be publicly racist like Trump does! And if a woman Democrat becomes president, that’s even worse! I’d have to stop making sexually suggestive comments to teenage girls, and that’s just not freedom. I hate all these socialist, politically correct rules about who we can discriminate against and who we can’t. There’s too many these days to keep them all straight!”

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

(Picture courtesy of Cary Bass-Deschenes.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s