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- McConnell has reportedly begun sleeping in a bag of formaldehyde every night to preserve his decaying body long enough to try and vote against one more Trump impeachment attempt.
- The major prediction markets are reportedly now betting on whether Donald Trump or Mitch McConnell dies of natural causes first.
- McConnell, delirious from his dozens of medications, has reportedly begun digging several giant holes in the lawn around the Capitol Building into which he says he will soon lay hundreds of eggs.
- McConnell spent the last six months walking around everywhere in the Senate with a leashed therapy turtle that can allegedly sense when he’ll have a mini-stroke.
- McConnell has reportedly directed his staffers to delete all the turtle porn sites from his office computer browser history when he dies.
- McConnell was reportedly done trying to deal with crazy MAGA Republicans in Congress two years ago, and has increasingly spent his work days lying on the floor of his office creating obstacle courses for his pet turtle Franklin, and timing how fast Franklin can finish them.
- McConnell reportedly admitted that Republicans have lied to their voters for so long and tolerated so many absurd conspiracy theories that their voters “do not live in reality.”
- McConnell currently ranted on the Senate floor today about how he wants to strangle all the GOP primary voters who have voted to nominate unelectable Senate candidates throughout his career.
- McConnell says he doesn’t have mini-strokes, and his freezing incidents are just him getting momentarily distracted while daydreaming about turtles.
- In an attempt to encourage Republicans not to politicize the COVID vaccine back in 2020, McConnell reportedly told the GOP Senate caucus to promote the vaccines explaining, “We want our voters to die from lack of health insurance, weak labor regulations, polluted water, toxic air quality, forest fires, hurricanes, extreme heat waves, forever wars, and mass shootings, not COVID! So get vaccinated today!”
- McConnell reportedly complained to a journalist that his biggest regret in politics was the “letting all the dumbfuck Republican primary voters turn me into an electoral cum dumpster because of how many times they fucked me and my Senate majorities picking unelectable Senate candidates who got hopelessly destroyed in their general elections and lost the GOP dozens of winnable seats.”
- McConnell reportedly once got reprimanded by the Senate’s IT guy for putting a virus on his office computer from a website catering to turtle porn.
- McConnell once furiously called Senator Chuck Grassley a “biologically illiterate ignoramus” before storming off to his office after Grassley in a hearing on ecological protections referred to a tortoise as a turtle.
- On January 7th, 2021, McConnell affirmed his belief that the J6 riot was absolutely a deadly coup attempt, and said he thanked God that morning that the rioters didn’t find and hurt Zippy, his Senate office’s newest pet turtle.
- A former Trump staffer admitted that when McConnell was about to endorse impeaching Trump after the January 6th insurrection attempt, he woke up with a bunch of decapitated turtle heads in his bed.
- When asked for a comment on Trump’s racist depiction of Barack and Michelle Obama as monkeys, Mitch McConnell said he didn’t have enough time to talk to the reporters because he had some turtle turds he had to rush home to clean up.
- McConnell: “The former president keeps calling me an achievement-less loser, but if I were achievement-less would I currently have the third largest private freshwater turtle collection in all of southeastern Kentucky? I don’t think so.”
- Mitch McConnell was just elected the “honorary Caliph” of ISIS in absentia for his “impressively untiring work” dismantling the American government.
- McConnell has started wearing matching turtle socks and turtle ties. “I’m approaching the end of my life,” he said, “and, goddammit, I’m no longer ashamed of my passion for Earth’s magnificent shelled herpetoids!”
- Mitch McConnell has reportedly created in his office what he calls “Turtle City,” an elaborate series of variously themed kiddie pools filled with water and decorations for his pet turtle Franklin to play in while he has long phone calls negotiating prices and delivery dates with exotic reptile salesmen.
- McConnell’s wife, Elaine Chao is reportedly publishing a book next month entitled, “Senate Kama Sutra: 100 Illustrated Tantric Lessons I Learned On Erotic Passion With My Magnificent Lover, Former Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.”
- McConnell says if any more GOP Senate candidates’ campaigns implode in the midterms like Blake Masters, Dr. Oz, Herschel Walker, etc., he’ll buy a 1-way plane ticket to the Galapagos Islands and never talk to anyone that doesn’t have a shell ever again.
- McConnell secretly died 3 months ago, and no one could tell because he looked no different than his usual frozen facial expression of blankly staring out at nothing.
- McConnell’s feelings were reportedly hurt when another GOP senator who wanted to be Senate Majority Leader in the 2010s decade said McConnell had “no major legislative accomplishments and no admirable personality, just unqualified federal judges and desecrated norms clawed from the clutches of decency, consistency, and democracy itself.”
- The hospital Mitch McConnell is staying at has reportedly brought in two “therapy turtles” to cheer him up during his recovery.
- McConnell is reportedly delirious in the hospital and admitting to doing sexual things in the Louisville Zoo’s reptile room.
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The Halfway Post 